Ava's Art Museum

Because I am a neat freak, I am very meticulous about everything having a place and my house being in complete order.
Ava loves her artwork, so of course she creates hundreds of pieces everyday, so many pieces that I can't keep up with them all. I've tried hanging them on the fridge, stuffing them in a drawer in her room, even putting them in my file cabinet or allowing her to hang them in her room as well as putting them in a folder on my bookshelf. The Hello Kitty book (to the left) is an empty canvas for her to keep them all in one place and it's almost filled up. She loves to paint in it.
Recently, I have loosened up. What is the point of artwork if you cannot display it? So I have allowed her to hang up her artwork ANYWHERE in the house, even in my living room. It wasn't easy at first, I must admit. I was so particular on sticking with a color theme in my living room, everything matched. My artwork on my walls had to match the decor of my house.

Well, I finally let Ava go for it and she is well on her way. Soon, my walls will be filled with her masterpieces. And I am okay with that. It's the little things that makes me smile and her artwork is one of them. So seeing them daily around my walls make me smile...knowing the effort she has put into it. And to watch her so happy and feeling accomplished as she hangs them on the wall is priceless. The four photos to the right are a collection of what she calls her "fireworks." She even labeled them as if we're in an art museum.
 





This one is her artwork on a canvas that I purchased for her to do for my room. Nothing but paint, a comb, and a blank canvas was used, and I let her have at it. This was done back in 2011 and hung on my bedroom wall. Notice the hand-print signature in the corner?

Here is the first book we've written together (June 2014). Of course she did all the artwork. That's her area.

The following are just a taste of her other work she is capable of.
I love it.
She enjoys it.
Win-Win situation.

Triggers

I have triggers.

We all do.

I am still figuring out some of my triggers as I type. All I can think is, "took me long enough!"

I am at a pivotal moment in my life. (so cliche'......I know)

Progression isn’t always equivalent to healing. In fact, for every step, the devil is there to kick us back two more. In my last blog, My Undeniable Truth , I briefly touched on one of the most unforgettable moments in my life. It was exhausting to even write it. But after I did, I felt sooooo free and on my way to progression.

What I didn’t expect, is the fallout following the blog; unrelated, yet ill-timed. It caused me to reevaluate most, if not all relationships and sent me into a coiled distrust.

Release only equals hope that my torment will end one day; not that everyone will understand what I went through and the anger I’ve carried for years. I almost believe no one will ever get it. And I’m okay with that. The more I talk, the more freeing it feels. Yet, in the same breath, I feel as if someone is out there lurking to tear me down once I “proclaim” any type of advancement.

Somehow, we are trained to never speak of our hurt beyond betrayal of our families.....unless we're considered being resentful, angry and just outright disrespectful. It just always seems to happen that way. My advancement may hurt people in the process. It may reveal secrets that no one was ever supposed to know. Family hurt and pain that was never dealt with. But at this point in time, I cannot make you realize your part in anything. And frankly, after all these years, if you haven't realized it yet, even after countless talks, it's time for me to make one of the hardest decisions, yet invigorating.

Being in a constant torment for choices I’ve made, circumstances I’ve been forced into or situations I’ve obliged to participate in or witness and did not take a stand; still haunts me to this day. They just do. I’ve come to that realization. But I cannot, during my process of healing, go and seek revenge nor reconcile with every person I felt wronged by, or rekindle relationships that were forced in the first place. They are my triggers right now.

The path I’m on now is what I think is best for me, although most may not see it the way I do. But it’s really not what anyone thinks. The end results, concludes my children and me. That’s it. That’s all.

What I DO NOT like during my process, is anyone making me feel like I AM THE PROBLEM!

I AM NOT.

And I will not tolerate it.

I do not have the handbook for the right things to say or do. After all, how do you help a grown adult who still suffers from sexual abuse as a child, family outcast, betrayal, and most importantly lack of communication? But what I will not tolerate, is ANYONE pointing the finger at me. WRONG B. Just sayin'. I ain't bout that life.

It can be very premature to assume that I am bitter, wounded and lashing out, because I’m really not. There is more to me than what some may see or read. Instead of focusing on my issues, how about focusing on what caused them? Root? Foundation? Problem? Anything ring a bell? Probably not. But if you really want to help, find ground zero. I wasn't there when it happened.....JS!

Lately, I’ve been finding it hard to trust anybody. Even when I ask the right questions, just to see who is really on my team, I don’t get direct answers anymore.

I’m torn.

And that’s just the truth. As true as truth can get.

For now, I’ll just keep writing, making my lil' footnotes, and quotes, and somehow figure this thing out. Even if I have to do it alone, I will figure it out. Trying to unlock a deadbolt with no key is meaningless.

One thing that I have gathered is that my prayer life is not where it should be. I never take isolation as a bad thing. Sometimes we have to go through it in order to hear God’s voice.

Well, Jehovah, I’m here.

Listening…….

My Undeniable Truth

I received a call from my cousin, Darnell in Indiana at 6am this morning. I hadn't seen him, let alone heard from him in years and didn't even know he had my number. But thanks to Facebook, I responded to something related to him and he chose to pick up the phone and call me.

We talked and laughed about a half hour until our sides hurt. He even reminded me how I've always been his favorite cousin =). When it was time for us to go about our day he said, "I love you, cousin. You're beautiful, very beautiful. I love you, and don't ever settle for anyone."

Of course his crazy, goofy self was only taking jabs at my love for Tevin, but for some reason, it made me tear up. Then I started wondering, "Why in the hell have I been so emotional lately? What is wrong with me?" Other than the typical answer of being a woman, I realized that I hadn't written and released in a while. Lately I have been jotting down little quotes in my notepad with no intent of expounding on them. I've also tweeted encrypted messages that I didn't want anyone to figure out so no one would think that I was going off in the deep end. But when I read them back to myself, I knew exactly what they meant at the moment. And lately, they've been consuming me.

So today I decided, I was going to open my journal, and share some of those moments I intended to keep to myself, lying in bed crying, only writing quotes that I could decode. Compiling so much in very few words over the last several months, knowing it consumed more of my life than 160 characters, can become overwhelming. I want to release a few of them without fear of being judged. After all, this is MY BLOG.

My Children- This morning while dropping Ava off, I stared at her as she stared out the window with no fear of the world. She had no care of watching the road and other careless drivers that I protect her from daily. She had no idea the things running through my mind as I drove her to school, no idea of the tears that rolled down my face that I hid from her. She had total faith in me that I would get her to where she needed to go, on time, because that is my job. I actually value the trust she has in me and constantly reevaluate anything I feel I am doing wrong, trying to think of ways I could make her life easier, yet prepare her for the realities of the world.

As any parent, I look at both my children and want nothing but the best, even though there are moments I feel I have failed them. I can only strive to do better and that is my promise to them. I haven't been the best mom, but one day, they will see my heart. I just told them yesterday, (paraphrasing)"when you guys become parents, you will understand some of the things I do and say."

Will our kids ever experience the innocent thoughts we once experienced? Or will they grow up only to find that our generation was also full of lies, secrets and deception to 'protect' them?"

-5/29/14

Surviving Abuse One Day at a Time- This is a support group that I am currently a part of. This is my first time publicly saying that I am a victim of sexual abuse as a child. For 17 years I have never publicly spoken about this for a number of reasons; it's embarrassing, it's shameful, it's unbelievable as well as "overlooked." Not only does it affect my life, but those around me because I often find myself in uncontrollable depressions or outbursts that I cannot explain. There are many days my family, friends and counselor had to sit around and watch me self-deteriorate helplessly because of it. All the drinking, crying and sleepless nights I've had still didn't help it go away. It only created more problems for me. In fact, I've internally been on a mission to cover it up, as all of those involved have done over the years, I'm assuming because of the person it involved and his precedence within the community.

Being a part of this group has helped me open up a bit more, without judgement; we are all victims. It has also helped me remember things I have blocked from my memory by talking about it with people who have no involvement or agenda but to help me. I look at my children and get angry at the mere thought of them going through the hours of torture I had to endure that night. And for the record, let me just say, I would NEVER be here to even share my story had it involved my children. I'd be on 20/20, San Quentin: Lockup or Unsolved Mysteries somewhere. Better yet, Cold Case Files because you'd never know I even had a hand in murdering my children's molester.

So my point in sharing this today is to take even further steps in helping myself move forward without anger, because yes, I still have anger. I still deal with it on a regular, due to circumstances beyond my control. But how can I help myself if I am still covering up the transgressions of others?

There is always a point in your life when everybody says they would have been there for you when you needed help. But at the time you asked, they weren't . It always takes something drastic for folks to step up. Why is that?

-4/19/14

My Friends/Family- I do have some wonderful friends and family, I really do. But lately, it seems as if I've been at a distance with some of them. I don't know if it's me or them? I know I'm a homebody and I tend to isolate myself very well. In fact, I've mastered isolation, but even some of my closest friends and family have been the furthest from my reach. I don't fault them, instead, I examine myself to see if I have been a selfish friend? Whatever it is, I just want to get closure with some, and reconnect with others, cautiously.

"You have friends that will mess up and then you have friends that will clean up. It's up to you to find the ones that do both."

-4/16/14

What's On My Mind Today

These are all just random thoughts that would've normally gone in status updates on my Facebook Page or Twitter, but this is why I love my blog; just random rambling (with no apologies), like my personal journal:

1. Something is really wrong with my eyes. For the last few days I've been seeing double...............WITH MY GLASSES ON!!! My next appointment is not until October, and if I come in any earlier, there will be an $80 cover charge. Anyone want to drive me around until then?

2. Ava was supposed to come home this morning, but she's out at her dad's house going door to door to sell raffle tickets for her cheer-leading uniform. How cute. Oh, don't worry, I'll be asking you guys to buy raffle tickets next.

3. I've had experiences with online stalkers twice in my entire life. One is a woman, the other a man with an interest to betroth me. Every social network I sign up on, they tend to find me (I curse the synch button). From what I understand, the woman stalker is not only stalking me, but others as well...even worse than my encounters. She also has a restraining order out against her for showing up at one person's home by using one of those "find this person" networks that you pay for. Should I be scared? I wish a mofo would!!!

4. I am on the road to recovery. I start my physical therapy at the end of this month (from my ankle injury). Because of my injury, I now have back/hip pain and I still walk funny with my mean pimp walk. But hey, I'm just glad to be walking. In the words of Kayden Elijah Kinckle, "I got it. I got it!"

Here is the side by side x-ray of the day I broke my ankle and the most recent one in May. Not sure if you see it, but right below the "oops" in the left picture is where you'll see the broken bone.

In photo below is when I took my skate off and saw the damage. Yes, I was way too scared to take the sock off, in fear that I would panic when I saw how it was dangling. I never looked at my actual ankle....ever! I wore that sock all the way to the hospital and even let them bandage it without me looking at the "before." That helped me remain calm and not be so squirmish.

Currently June

Here is last month's blog, Currently May. I am enjoying doing these because it gives me a chance to reflect on what I've done over the last month....which sometimes may be nothing. *shrugs*

Listening To: Elle Varner's CD Perfectly Imperfect. I absolutely love that woman. I love her voice and she is beautiful. I hate that I missed the chance to see her live before. I can play this CD from front to back without skipping any song. It also reminds me of some good times I shared with a special someone that I will NEVER forget; some of the best moments of my life.

Watching: I finally watched Non-Stop with Liam Neeson. I will watch any movie that man has a role in. He is an incredible actor. Now if I can only watch Taken 2, then I'll be content.

Ava and I finished watching The Bible on Netflix. I love how inquisitive she is. This girl has some extraordinary faith and I LOVE IT! She always talks about how she can't wait until God shows her the miracles that he showed Moses and his people. Her faith encourages me.

Wanting: This kitchen table & chair set. I've only had mine for 2 years and already had to throw one chair away, while the others are not very sturdy. The kids and I don't even sit at the table anymore. It has now become a part of my decor for nothing.

Praying For: Jahi and her family. This story is heartbreaking and I've had my share of opinions about it. I've watched non-believers, lawyers, doctors and the media make doubting comments; although it's easy to say what we'd do in that situation, we all know that things would change when it really comes down to it. Jahi is making progress and I am hoping and praying she pulls through this...not only for her mom and family, but to prove that modern-day miracles DO HAPPEN! #FixItJesus #PrayForJahi

Loving: Being able to clean. Thank you, JESUS!!! My mobility hasn't been the greasted these last 3 months but I'm back in action now. I done switched Calen's room around and everything. Next is Ava's. I have to do it when she's not home so that I can throw things away that she hoards, but have clearly outgrown. And I <3 the smell of Pine-Sol.....aaahhhhhh!

Random: Yesterday I went on a scavenger hunt at Sac State for @HiddenCash (if any of you have ever heard of that?) Just some random wealthy man that plants money around town and tweets out clues. Hundreds of people show up, from all walks of life.....and I do mean ALL! So because it was local this time, I joined the search where 18 envelopes were planted around campus (all containing at least $100). I didn't find the money, but I did meet this lovely lady: Dina Kupfer from News 10. She was so pleasant and bubbly!

So what are you currently up to?

Currently May

I'm a little late for May but here it is:

Just like my Currently April blog:

Listening: I have such a broad collection of CD's in my car (yes I still buy CD's). So what I've been doing is randomly selecting one and try to ride it out as long as I can. As far as Pandora...B2K station is my favorite one. #DontJudgeMe. It plays all the songs that were popular in the early 2000's and brings back memories for me.

Watching: I tried my share of Dexter and it didn't seem to work for me. If you have any other suggestions for a series that I could binge-watch, let me know. I have 3 more months until I return to school. I love crime & drama documentaries so I search through tons of them on Netflix. Other than that, I have Lifetime and LMN on my favorite channels. I'm also a faithful watcher of the Wendy Williams Show! How You Doin?

Wondering: If I'm making the right decision with my major? I'm very confused. I'm still not satisfied in my major and keep battling what I want to do with my life? I am so close to changing it because I have noticed that each semester I go to pick my classes, it worries me that I have no interest in them whatsoever. I think that's my cue to try something different.

Evaluating: So many relationships that I have had or currently have. I sometimes feel obligated to tolerate certain people because of the amount of time that I've known them. Or sometimes I feel guilty that I want to sever ties with them after at all of the times I've shared with them. On the other hand, Poo is ready to tell them to get to steppin. No mercy on these skallywags!

Reading: A book called What Does the Bible Really Teach?. I got it from one of the Jehovah's Witnesses and after many attempts (stalks) to reach me, I finally decided to hear her out. The book is very basic and does not go into much detail (no offense to any JW out there), but that is the part where I find interest in.....to do more research for myself to find out more. They touch the surface of things and if it can spark a conversation, it can certainly spark my research a lot more.

Loving: The fact that I have two well-behaved (for the most part) and smart children. Calen finished his 7th grade year with 4 A's and 1 B. Ava got all A+'s. Proud is not even a word to describe how I feel. The fact that it comes so natural for them to excel in school, makes me feel like I'm doing a great job....even when I question my parenting.

Considering: What to do with my hair next. I have had many different hairstyles and lengths. I'm in a transition phase right now. Haven't had a perm in about 3 months because I haven't been wearing my natural hair out lately anyway. So I will stay away from the chemicals until I decide. Here are some of my looks:

So what are you currently up to?

I Drove Today

I drove today, y'all!!!

Let me tell you, it felt soooo good to finally be driving. I hated it before and always dreamed of a chauffeur. But now, I have a new appreciation for being able to to do what I want, when I want....without having to ask anybody!

It was almost as bad as a relationship....like someone keeping tabs on every move I made.

Asking my friends and family to get everything for me, move everything for me, drive me here, stop by the store, get this, get that............

It was a never ending story. BUT.......my daddy & Jon have really came through for me these last two months. My progress is coming along and I'm excited!!! Being cripple makes you have a new-found appreciation. This was something I've taken for granted, as most mobile people do.

But I'm ready to explore the world again! Bare with me, people!

My kids were nervous to ride with me this morning on their way to school. But they managed to survive. Of course they had their jokes:

"Drop me off first," Ava said.

"Why?" asked Calen, "You never like to go first any other time?"

"Because you'll have to ride with her longer!"

Very funny.....lol

But they both couldn't help but point out that I actually "looked normal" today. I didn't know if it was a compliment or a diss? I had to ask, "Was I that bad?"

I mean.....I'm practiaclly ready to ghost-ride the whip now!!!

I Annoy Myself

The last two months, I’ve tried not to use Facebook as my forum to complain about my #CrutchLife. I avoided social media when I was having my pity parties, which are better to have ALONE anyway. Besides, what is the point of me posting countless statuses (or pictures) about the pain, discomforts and frustrations I was feeling? That’s my not my style.

Now, don’t get me wrong…..I may have posted one or two. ;)

Anyway, my point is, I have annoyed myself so much during this time alone. I literally had to ask someone for EVERYTHING!!!! Even something as small as a drink of water. That can get very annoying; asking for help all the time.

My kids got tired of me calling their name. They gave me attitude and negative body language more than I should’ve allowed them to, but I let them have that….I’m sure it was annoying for them, too. Now I could be the typical mom and say as much as they called my name, or as much as I’ve done for them, they owe me this and they need not to complain…which I did, sometimes!

But it still didn’t help rid my annoyance. I felt so helpless but really tried to avoid as much as I could to ask for another thing. I even annoyed myself with calling their names.

I have been beyond bored lying on my couch doing nothing. You would think with all the time I had, I would’ve utilized it to write or do something productive. But I was so uninspired the entire time. I jotted down notes, phrases and ideas, but never executed any of them. All I could focus on is the things that I could’ve been doing if I wasn’t disabled. How annoying, right?

Even through my temper tantrums and pity-parties of one, I am very thankful to have had the help I’ve received thus far, especially from my parents. They had to put up with a lot.

One good thing that has come out of this time is me acknowledging all of the things that I’ve taken for granted. I can certainly say this time has been my “aha moment.” I have always been a homebody, not wanting to go anywhere….even putting off trips to the store out of pure laziness. As I sat here the last month and a half, I kept saying to myself that I will not do that anymore. I made a pact with myself to do things when I think of them, rather than jotting them down in my notebook as a "to do" item the “next time I’m out.” Instead, I will focus on doing things in a more immediate manner….just because I can and have the ability to.

I’ve also made a promise to myself to enjoy the outdoors a little more with the kids. For me, that is very challenging. Y’all already know. My couch and TV was enjoyment enough for me. Now, it’s annoying.

So less of THIS:

and more of THIS:

So I will see how this goes. *dun, dun, dunnnnn*

Currently April

I read my friend Antracia's blog on a regular and every month she posts things that she's currently doing in that month and I thought it was pretty interesting. So here goes mine:

Listening: Amy Winehouse's Pandora station. I love her voice, always have. I normally listen at bath time when the kids are gone to school and I have some adult time to relax. More than likely it includes an adult beverage as well.

Watching: I've been getting my dose of reality television since being at home all day. So between Court TV (With Judge Judy being my favorite), Dr. Phil, Maury, Patricia Goddard, Bill Cunningham and Cheaters, I've managed to get a few Netflix movies in. Today I'm giving Son's of Anarchy a try. It has a total of 66 episodes so if I enjoy, I get to binge watch. Yay! That's always fun. Also Comcast just had their Watchathon week so I was able to binge watch the current season of The Walking Dead. Finally Comcast did something right!

Feeling: Very unproductive, lazy and helpless . Being that I'm on "bedrest" for the remainder of the month due to my injury, I haven't done much of anything. I've always been a homebody but never under these circumstances. I'm bound to the couch, only moving when necessary, and am depending on people to do everything for me. But my daddy does a hell of a job making sure I'm taken care of. Gotta love my daddy!<3

Eating: Anything my mama cooks. My dad brings me dinner when he drops my kids off. I kinda like it. I'm a junk food eater so I will say I've been eating vegetables lately since my mom been cooking for me. Who'd-a-thunk I'd have to be disabled (and starving) to start eating vegetables? I guess when I'm left with no choice, it's either eat what she provides, or nothing at all. *shrugs*

Reading: A bunch of news stories online. Anything to peak my interest when TV just isn't doing it anymore. I think I'm subscribed to every news station online so I see plenty of stories all day long. I've also been reading a lot of celebrity gossip...plenty of that to keep me entertained. I just finished reading Broken Silence: Surviving Human Trafficking & Child Exploitation by Chong Kim. That story is beyond unimaginable and the stories are horrifying. This may be the first time I've ever read a book and boo-hoo'd endlessly at some chapters. That's just how deep it was. =(

Loving: This weather. I love how unpredictable California weather is. One day it's raining, storming and flooding outside, and the next week its in the 80s. I love that! All 4 seasons in 1. No complaints over here. My favorite is the rain, though.

Wearing:

So what are you currently up to?

Cemeteries Aren't So Scary, After All

 On my route to school I always pass by this cemetery and have always found myself intrigued to go inside for my morning walk. Normally I walk around my neighborhood park but this particular morning I decided that I would take my walk at the cemetery instead. God has a unique way of doing things sometimes. He allows us to cross paths with people for reasons that we may not always be aware of. I never even walked like I had planned; instead, I had the pleasure of meeting such a mild-mannered woman named Mrs. Bertha Pina.

Here is my story:

 When I parked inside, I could hardly get out of my car. I’ve never visited a cemetery and the emotions took over me. I thought about loved ones that I had lost and I was overwhelmed with grief.

Once I gathered myself I proceeded to pick my path in which I would walk. I only made it about 50 steps before I noticed such an immaculate grave site that I just had to stop and admire it. It was approximately 20 feet from where Mrs. Pena was swapping out flowers on her loved one’s grave.
I sat graveside in the grass admiring the site I was in front of, reflecting on the life and memories of my loved ones that had passed, also while I watched Mrs. Pena. She meticulously took her time as she decorated the grave site, picked up any trash near it and changed the color theme of the flowers.

Somehow, sitting there watching her helped me understand why people visited grave sites that I never understood before. It was peaceful and therapeutic. As I sat there something came over me. It was a wailing cry deep down on the inside, which subsequently led to a place of serenity. It was like I could feel God’s presence all around me; I could hear his voice and I felt comforted, even through my weeping. I used to be fearful of cemeteries, probably because of all the creepy things that I had seen in movies but this experience different than I had imagined.

I got a chance to speak with Mrs. Pena and through conversation I learned from her that her son died from Leukemia; a blood cancer that begins in bone marrow. He was only 23 years old. She said she and her husband visits his site 2-3 times a week and through her visits she has met other friends around her son’s grave, in which she finds solace. I was so touched by her humbleness and explained to her how watching her had inspired me to share my experience with you guys. After chatting with Mrs. Pena (in which she gave me permission to use her in my story), it just warmed my heart to see her stop and yet another grave site to swap out flowers for someone else’s loved one.

After she left I just sat there staring into the sky, it was beautiful that morning. I began to shed tears and sobs that I knew only God understood. I felt closeness with Him that I hadn’t felt in long time. I kept thinking to myself, what happened to me today? What is my obsession and association with this cemetery? And suddenly it hit me. The scripture that popped into my head was 1 Thessalonians 4:16- "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first." While being in that cemetery I was able to put some things into perspective. All my life, I have always found myself engaged with the thought of death. For most, including myself, it makes us reevaluate our own lives and the things we cherish. One thought that dominates my mind when I think of death, knowing that I still have a chance to get it right. I still have a chance that others don’t have....to live my life according to His word.

When I think of those who have passed on, I think they will soon be at the seat of judgment, as they have exhausted all of their opportunities. I can only hope that they made the right decision while they had a chance and God has mercy on their soul. By the grace of God, we (for those still living) still have the opportunity to make the choice where we will spend eternity. The human brain cannot comprehend eternity. I know I have a hard time fathoming it; I think about it all the time. For those who still cannot grasp it, my advice to you would be to go visit a cemetery.