Separation anxiety disorder is a psychological condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (like a father, mother, grandparents, and brothers or sisters).
I am convinced that I have this. Let me tell you why. Most people are happy to get a break from their kids. Normally I used to make sure that I had my weekends free so that I can make plans or just be free. Well ever since everything that happened in my life lately, all of that have changed. I am way more clingy to my kids than ever before. All this time I thought it was just Ava being clingy to me but it goes both ways. Everytime they leave me, I'm sad, bored, don't know what to do with myself. And not a normal kind of sad where I have a moment of awhhh I miss the kids. But its to the point now where I'm crying when they're gone. On top of that, I be texting Ava's dad requesting pictures throughout the day just to see her face, or to see what she's doing, or just to see what she looks like. It's sad but true. (imagine when they get their own cell phones).
The other night I was at a family gathering just chilling and enjoying the company of my family. My kids weren't there. Once everybody started getting ready to go, that's when I realized I had to go home by myself. Now don't get me wrong here, I LOVE being alone and love living alone. But when I say alone, I mean alone with my kids. I don't know how I'm ever going to get a husband if I don't even want to share my space with anyone. But anyway, I knew I had to go home alone. I asked my niece if she wanted to stay the night at my house. When my sister asked me, "Where are the kids?" that's when I lost it and started crying. I was trying to hold it in as long as I could but my emotions became overwhelming and I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sunday morning when I went to church without them their little empty seats next to me just made me sad. When I pulled out my notebook to take notes, I thought of Ava sitting next to me asking me could she draw in my notebook. I missed looking over at Calen with his arms folded and him falling asleep. I even felt weird sitting there by myself. I just don't feel the same.
The anxiety of not going home to my kids gets to me. Its like when I'm away from them I'm not the same. Its to the point where I don't even want to send them to their dad house. I find myself asking why do I have to share them anyway? I did notice the pattern though, its mainly bedtime when it bothers me the most that they aren't with me. But when they're gone I think of them all throughout the day wondering what they're doing. If I could just take them both and run far far away and live happily ever after then I would.
Am I crazy?
