I Miss You, BFF!

Today was a real chill day for me. Went to church and heard some good Word that spoke to my soul. It made me reflect not only on my life but some friendships and my immediate circle as well. This evening I sat at home like any other normal Sunday and went to watch Lifetime but couldn’t find a good movie to watch. I guess I’ve watched them all.

Anywho, so I sat here and listened to Pandora; B2K’s station to be exact. I love this station because they play all the music that I used to love from the early 2000’s. If anyone knows me, they know those where my years. I was very “free spirited,” vivacious, good-natured…etc. Hell, that’s how I got the name Pooquisha. I ain’t even gonna lie; I was off the hook at times…even life of the party….lol.

Anyway, they got to playing some songs that made me reminisce on old friendships and reminded of actual moments when I used to be riding (or doing God knows what) when I heard the song, but each one brought up different memories. And the main person in each of those memories was my BFF. She was there with me through majority of those moments. She was my ride or die chick, don’t ask don’t tell type of chick that was down for whatever. My very confidant when no one else understood me. That girl was and still is my heart. Some reason she been on my mind heavy today.

So now here I am sitting here reflecting on my relationship with her, realizing that I have not talked to her in almost a year because of a silly argument her and I had. I’ve known this girl 14+ years and this one disagreement got us not speaking for this long. However, I do believe that our “separation” was very much needed at the time. We mutually agreed that we would “take a break” and come back around later when the time was right. (yeah, I know….this sounds like a relationship….lol). Things happen in friendships and sometimes two people can be on different paths that cause them to grow apart. The good thing about our friendship is that no matter how long we stay apart, we can always pick up where we left off as if no time has lapsed. I think what I’m fearing now is when will we pick up….if ever? This disagreement wasn’t like any other one that we’ve ever had. I will be honest and admit that I said some things that I shouldn’t have said that hurt her. Regardless of how she made me feel, some of those things shouldn’t have ever come out of my mouth. Looking back, I can see why it’s been so long since we’ve “made up.” All these years, she has been the only person that has known my deepest and darkest faults and vice versa. But we have never been judgmental toward each other nor attacked each other’s characters.  Regardless of who attacked who first, some things shouldn’t have been said. Nonetheless, Is apologized during the same conversation and we decided that we needed some time apart we agreed that we would come back around when we were both in good spaces and would pick up where we left off. It’s been a while now and I humbly sit here and say to myself that I was wrong and I miss my BFF….I just hope she feels the same.

I’m writing to say this, as I listen to all of these songs, each bringing up unrelated memories of our untamed, uncultivated yet exhilarating journey together, I realize that I miss her more now than ever. I just hope she feels the same. I haven’t reached out to her because I don’t have any contact with her but I’m wondering that if and when I do, if she will be as receptive as I am available?

Angry

Angry

 

I’m angry……..

I’m angry because of what you said

I’m angry because of what you did

The insensible feelings that I deal

I’m even angry that you live

I’m angry you are not here

You’re thousands of miles away it seems

I’m angry that when you think you’re walking straight

You still walk with that gangsta lean

I’m angry that you’re phony

Angry I even trusted you

I’m angry that I even let you in

That you knew the things you knew

I’m angry that you’re still a looser

You fool everyone but me

I’m angry that even when I’m doing good

It’s only the bad that they see

I’m angry that YOU have issues

And make it all about you

I’m angry that you still stick around

Because not everybody knows the truth

I’m angry that I’m misunderstood

I’m  angry you don’t care

I’m angry that you’re acting like

You were always there

I’m angry that you’re insensitive

I’m just angry…..

Wait, did I mention that I was angry?

Birth Control (A Blog for the Ladies)

So I used to consider myself the poster child for the IUD Mirena. It had worked for me all these years and I tried to convince anyone inquiring new methods to get the Mirena as well. I had a live in boyfriend at the time and not only had it prevented any unwanted pregnancies, but the best part for me was that I didn't have periods either. I had a little spotting here and there but nothing too major that panty liners couldn't handle. I was loving the Mirena and thought it was just the best thing ever. I had never had any problems with it, other than accidentally snatching it out a few years ago and having to have a new one inserted @_@. Other than that, it was perfect for me. So I thought.

So here I was into my 5^th year of the Mirena (6 months shy of having it swapped out for a new one) and my doctor suggested that I have it removed because the hormones was starting to mess with my body as well as cause all kinds of damage to my hair. She said sometimes it can take this long for your body to finally reject any hormones or birth control so she suggested that I remove it. As for me, I figured Okay, why not? Live in boyfriend is gone, I’m not active anyway, so lets go for it. I wanted to do a process of elimination and eliminate all the unnecessary hormones altogether. I mean, afterall, I had nothing to worry about being celibate and all right?

So I made the appointment to have it taken out and let me tell you, IMMEDIATELY after it was removed and the doctor left the room, I felt like crying. I felt so vulnerable like a part of me had just been snatched out. I kept staring down at the Mirena laying on the tray like something so valuable had been snatched right out of me in such a split second. 

It felt like I had bonded with that “security” for almost 5 years and to have it removed so abruptly kept messing with my mental. I felt like the very wind outside could get me pregnant and I didn’t like that feeling of vulnerability. Who knew something so small could have such a big impact in my life like that? I didn’t realize how much I actually depended on it. And mann, my cycle didn’t waste any time either. In less than 48 hours it came back full fledge and I was not prepared.
Of course what I’ll miss most is not having periods but hey, I figured it’s about time to let my body “detox” and go “natural.” So we’ll see how this goes.

I’m curious to hear your birth control stories……
Please share if you have any.

I happen to stroll across this IUD horror story and thought I'd share this one too. Read at your leisure.

http://thechanceys505.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-mirena-story-cautionary-tale.html

A Bitter Soul

I have dabbled in poetry a little bit and I stumbled across this poem that I had written back in 2008.

A Bitter Soul

May 20, 2008

Having multiple dreams and opportunities

Snatched from beyond her reach

So abruptly without a warning sign

Not even a lesson left to teach

Going through her daily routines

Still nothing could keep her occupied

So many things raced through her mind

So many things she have endured, yet survived

 Is it possible to save a bitter soul?
A woman who was scorned so deep?

A woman who has done no wrong?

A woman with a heart so meek?

 Pain pierced her heart so deep

Feeling of loneliness so robust

Not having any support around her

But keeping her head up was a must

They say what doesn't break you

Is only to make you stronger

The damage was so shameful

Too hard to hold her head up any longer

“He hurt me and I can’t move on”

To others sounds like a cliché

Sounds like statements of a bitter woman

But it was something she lived everyday

The anger, frustration and grief

The disappointments and disgust for life

All the nervous breakdowns she had

She reminisced as she held the knife

Ending her life would be senseless

Nothing from it she would gain

Still she forced the knife through her chest

She felt the blood eject with great pain

She lay in her puddle of dismay

With her life flashing while she ached

Watching life abandon her body with regret
But by now it was definitely too late

Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety disorder is a psychological condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (like a father, mother, grandparents, and brothers or sisters).

I am convinced that I have this. Let me tell you why. Most people are happy to get a break from their kids. Normally I used to make sure that I had my weekends free so that I can make plans or just be free. Well ever since everything that happened in my life lately, all of that have changed. I am way more clingy to my kids than ever before. All this time I thought it was just Ava being clingy to me but it goes both ways. Everytime they leave me, I'm sad, bored, don't know what to do with myself. And not a normal kind of sad where I have a moment of awhhh I miss the kids. But its to the point now where I'm crying when they're gone. On top of that, I be texting Ava's dad requesting pictures throughout the day just to see her face, or to see what she's doing, or just to see what she looks like. It's sad but true. (imagine when they get their own cell phones).

The other night I was at a family gathering just chilling and enjoying the company of my family. My kids weren't there. Once everybody started getting ready to go, that's when I realized I had to go home by myself. Now don't get me wrong here, I LOVE being alone and love living alone. But when I say alone, I mean alone with my kids. I don't know how I'm ever going to get a husband if I don't even want to share my space with anyone. But anyway, I knew I had to go home alone. I asked my niece if she wanted to stay the night at my house. When my sister asked me, "Where are the kids?" that's when I lost it and started crying. I was trying to hold it in as long as I could but my emotions became overwhelming and I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sunday morning when I went to church without them their little empty seats next to me just made me sad. When I pulled out my notebook to take notes, I thought of Ava sitting next to me asking me could she draw in my notebook. I missed looking over at Calen with his arms folded and him falling asleep. I even felt weird sitting there by myself. I just don't feel the same.

The anxiety of not going home to my kids gets to me. Its like when I'm away from them I'm not the same. Its to the point where I don't even want to send them to their dad house. I find myself asking why do I have to share them anyway? I did notice the pattern though, its mainly bedtime when it bothers me the most that they aren't with me. But when they're gone I think of them all throughout the day wondering what they're doing. If I could just take them both and run far far away and live happily ever after then I would.

Am I crazy?

First 48 Pt. 3

During the first week at AD’s house, I went through several panic attacks. I didn’t know what they were at the time. I would just be sitting there and suddenly my heart would beat rapidly and I was forced to take fast, short breaths. I remember the very first one that happened I panicked so bad that I was bout to call 911 if my heart rate didn’t go down. I thought I was having a heart attack or something because of the sharp pains in my chest. One minute I was sitting there calm, then the next minute I was in such a terrifying panic. I even had one in front of Ava that scared her half to death. We were sitting at the table eating and I felt this chill in my body as if someone was standing right behind me. I jumped up in a panic frantically closing all blinds. AD lived near an air force base and the other one I had was a night I continuously heard the airplanes above the apartment. I knew what it was but for some reason, the more I heard them, the more I became frightened. The way I was jumping you would have thought I had come from a war zone. I can truly say I now understand what they go through. The apartment was always quiet because there was no cable so I would turn on music just to relax me. Even with the music on, the airplanes above caused me to have a panic attack. It was so bad that I would sleep with all of the lights on, windows and blinds shut and locked, and the dead bolt on. When AD would come home at night, I would require him to call my phone, ring the doorbell, and wait until I opened the door before he could enter his own house. That soon started taking a toll on our welcome. I could see the irritation in his face when I opened the door as if we were starting to wear out our welcome.

I knew I needed to get out of the house to regain my sanity. But life just wasn’t the same anymore. I abandoned my friends, my phone and the outside world. The weekend had come and it was my Aunts birthday party. I had no intentions on going because I knew that my cousin who had caused all of this mess would be there and I wasn’t sure how I wanted to face him yet. I blamed him for what I was going through. But sitting in the house with no TV was driving me more insane. I had no normalcy to my life anymore. Didn’t know if I was comin’ or goin’. One of my cousins finally convinced me to go to the party. As I was there, it actually felt good to be around family. I was socializing again instead of isolating and medicating myself. I hadn’t been out the house the entire week but I wasn’t depressed at all. Hadn’t really shed any tears either. I was too much in shock to have any emotion but fear!

Just when I thought things were going to start going back to normal, I got a call while I was at the party. My house had been broken into and all of my things were stolen. It was devastating. I knew exactly who was involved and there was no way I could ever go back to that place now. I could do nothing but cry. Not because all of my possessions were gone, but I just felt so defeated. I felt helpless, powerless and just broken on the inside. I was clearly violated by the people whom I seen everyday and associated with on a daily basis; the very people who I had let into my home, my circle, and unfortunately my life. I had no desire to ever go back again. My home was no longer my home. Amongst the things that were stolen were my 42” TV, the glass stand it was on, the cable box, a digital picture frame, my computer, video camera, Nintendo Wii + 10 games, Nintendo NES + 50 games, Nintendo DS + 10 games, multiple Xbox games, over about 60 DVDs including the kids movies, about $100, and the food out of my refrigerator and freezer….can you believe that??? This was straight cowardly and ruthless of them to do, not to mention a little crackish! Surprisingly it all didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I just wanted to get out of there for good now. Any intentions I had on going back had now turned into plans to get a Uhaul and evacuate the rest of my belongings they hadn’t taken yet. With the help of my friends and family, my apartment was cleaned out within the next few days. I could not have done it without them.

Now back at AD’s house, I had to figure out my next move. I had planned on filing for a transfer to a different property and knew that it would take some time. The next morning after storaging my things, I asked AD if I could have my mail transferred to his house so that I didn’t have to go back over there at all.

“For what?” he asked, “I thought this was temporary and you were going to go stay with your brother until you figured things out?

“Well I need a little more time. Do you think we can stay here a little longer until then?”

“How much longer you need?”

“I don’t know. Maybe about a month…..?!?”

long pause………..

“I don’t know…….I’m kind of in a situation right now with this girl. She knows yall are here now but I’ve already had it out with her about yall being here this past week. But I guess I’ll deal with yall for a month but after that…..”

My ears suddenly went deaf. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing come out of his mouth. I figured us staying there wouldn’t be a problem for several reasons. For one, I had his daughter to take care of. Two, he had stayed with me plenty of times (even against my will) but out of the kindness of my heart and his situation, I let him stay anyway. So to me, this was just reparations. In such disbelief, I just went outside to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do from there. I couldn’t stay at a place where I wasn’t wanted. I was already going through enough and staying there was making it worse. I felt so uncomfortable after that so I ended up packing up the little bit I had at his house and left for my brother’s house. And what a difference that made. I felt so much better, much more welcomed, and I finally had a TV back. Who would have known a TV would help me to recover from what I was going through? I started to feel like part of the world again. It gave me a feeling of normalcy again.

Was I bitter that I felt like a man whom I had been there for the last 11 years had put me out? Damn skipy! I was livid. Vowed to never speak to him again or do anything for him. And like most bitter women say, I wasn’t even willing to waste my piss on him. But hearing my little girl cry for her daddy day after day wouldn’t allow me to do that. So I barely let him back in, only enough to continue a relationship with his daughter…without having to deal with me. I also didn’t have the energy to remain angry with him; I had to figure out a way to get myself better.

After going to the doctor, I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and hypertension. My blood pressure was at an all time high in stage 2. I was put on 4 different medications, which I refused to take. I only took the blood pressure medicine. It’s just something about medicine that I am afraid of, excluding aspirin. So I held on to them and agreed to take them only if the symptoms got worse and I needed them. Fortunately I never had to take them. As time passed on things got better for me. I think being around family made it easier for me. I didn’t have to worry about being home alone like I was at AD’s house, nor did I have to worry about wearing out my welcome. I was welcome to stay at my brother house as long as I needed to.

Three months later, things finally started to work out for me. After being denied a transfer twice, I filed an appeal, prayed over it, and put it in God’s hands. 24 hours after my appeal, I was approved to move. Finally found a place in a different location that suites my lifestyle now. These last few months were such drastic changes for me. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason from this very situation. I have given my life back to God, ended up finding a place next to some Godly people, and I look at life totally different. I am more humble than I have ever been. I don’t take my kids for granted and I enjoy everyday with them. I hate even sending them away with their dad because I miss them so much. We’ve all gotten closer since all of this happened. (Ava may be a little bit too clingy from it all. I think she’s not adjusting well to all of these changes) All of those material things mean nothing to me now. I’m not even angry with them taking it at all. I do get sad about it sometimes but I’m not angry. It taught me a lesson on value. Those are just material things. What matters to me most is my walk with God and my relationship with my children. My family has played a major part in my healing process. There have been plenty of times where I just wanted to isolate myself and go into a depression but my family wouldn’t let that happen. They were very supportive and very adamant about checking on me. This situation also helped me to reevaluate my relationships with people who shouldn’t even have been considered associates. I had to shift where my loyalty lied, especially with AD. We are co-parenting and that is all. I don’t consider him a friend of mine and that is how it will be from now on. I am on a different path in my life and if you’re not with me, than you’re against me.

It's Never Too Late For An Education

(This is a sample writing that I submitted for a potential job. Wish me luck!)

Education is definitely a major goal for me right now, as it should be for anyone. The fact that I’m still young gives me the opportunity that not all had the likelihood of executing. Some in today’s generation definitely takes for granted that a higher education is available to all who have the determination and discipline to attain. It is there but you have to want it. There are a few key things that can help you accomplish whatever goal you decide to achieve.

Dedication is a must. I can attest to having troubles through out my college education. My first semester of school, I was focused and doing great. Very motivated and had one goal in mind, to walk across that stage with a degree. Toward the end of the first semester, a tragedy struck me that diverted my attention. One of my best friends had suddenly passed as a result of a brain aneurysm. My grades started dropping and soon I was failing all but one of my classes. That is when I made the decision to take a few semesters off and return when I felt I was ready. It wasn’t until four years later when I finally woke up one day and realized that I needed to do something about my education. It was when my graduating class starting getting their degrees that I opened my eyes and realized that could’ve been me. I didn’t get too discouraged to the point where I gave up but it actually motivated me. It didn’t matter to me that I was just getting started the year I should have been done had I stuck with my plan. I made up in my mind that I was determined to finish. I didn’t want 5-10 years to go by and still be talking about it could’ve been me. I was determined to make it me! Don’t ever think it’s too late to get started or to still be in school.

Support is vital. There are plenty of resources out there for us young people to use. We all have our personal lives; some have kids, jobs, and other things going on. However, make sure you surround yourself with likeminded people who will keep you motivated and focused. Family can play a big role in your journey. Also use other resources such as talking to your counselors at your school. They will help you stay on track towards goal. Stay involved in school activities; join support groups, tutoring, and programs such as W.A.C and R.A.D. They are there to help us excel. Finally, there are programs that offer a major amount of financial support such as financial aid, grants, loans, and scholarships. All you have to do is apply for them. Billions of dollars are given away a year for the sole purpose to further our education.

Accountability is significant. There will be times where everything doesn’t always go as planned and classes are harder than you expected. Failing a class does not mean that you have ruined your goal. As they say, dust yourself off and try again. You can attempt a course up to 3 times in order to better your chances at getting the grade that you want to reflect on your transcript. You can also have a course discounted when you repeat it so it doesn’t harm your GPA. But most importantly, be accountable for your actions. Figure out what it is that you can do better the next time and work on that so you don’t make the same mistakes. Use your time wisely while in school and set schedules to stick to. Otherwise, you can be easily distracted.

My journey has not always been easy but with the dedication, support, and accountability that I have for my own actions, I was able to realize my weaknesses and correct them. I was setting goals way beyond my reach and when I didn’t reach them, I was too hard on myself. There were plenty of times I had to refocus and regroup and it paid off. I not only brought my grades up but I also learned to set goals that were attainable for me and easy to maintain. I am more focused and I will not give up until I reach my goal.