We talked and laughed about a half hour until our sides hurt. He even reminded me how I've always been his favorite cousin =). When it was time for us to go about our day he said, "I love you, cousin. You're beautiful, very beautiful. I love you, and don't ever settle for anyone."
Of course his crazy, goofy self was only taking jabs at my love for Tevin, but for some reason, it made me tear up. Then I started wondering, "Why in the hell have I been so emotional lately? What is wrong with me?" Other than the typical answer of being a woman, I realized that I hadn't written and released in a while. Lately I have been jotting down little quotes in my notepad with no intent of expounding on them. I've also tweeted encrypted messages that I didn't want anyone to figure out so no one would think that I was going off in the deep end. But when I read them back to myself, I knew exactly what they meant at the moment. And lately, they've been consuming me.
So today I decided, I was going to open my journal, and share some of those moments I intended to keep to myself, lying in bed crying, only writing quotes that I could decode. Compiling so much in very few words over the last several months, knowing it consumed more of my life than 160 characters, can become overwhelming. I want to release a few of them without fear of being judged. After all, this is MY BLOG.
My Children- This morning while dropping Ava off, I stared at her as she stared out the window with no fear of the world. She had no care of watching the road and other careless drivers that I protect her from daily. She had no idea the things running through my mind as I drove her to school, no idea of the tears that rolled down my face that I hid from her. She had total faith in me that I would get her to where she needed to go, on time, because that is my job. I actually value the trust she has in me and constantly reevaluate anything I feel I am doing wrong, trying to think of ways I could make her life easier, yet prepare her for the realities of the world.
As any parent, I look at both my children and want nothing but the best, even though there are moments I feel I have failed them. I can only strive to do better and that is my promise to them. I haven't been the best mom, but one day, they will see my heart. I just told them yesterday, (paraphrasing)"when you guys become parents, you will understand some of the things I do and say."
Will our kids ever experience the innocent thoughts we once experienced? Or will they grow up only to find that our generation was also full of lies, secrets and deception to 'protect' them?"-5/29/14
Surviving Abuse One Day at a Time- This is a support group that I am currently a part of. This is my first time publicly saying that I am a victim of sexual abuse as a child. For 17 years I have never publicly spoken about this for a number of reasons; it's embarrassing, it's shameful, it's unbelievable as well as "overlooked." Not only does it affect my life, but those around me because I often find myself in uncontrollable depressions or outbursts that I cannot explain. There are many days my family, friends and counselor had to sit around and watch me self-deteriorate helplessly because of it. All the drinking, crying and sleepless nights I've had still didn't help it go away. It only created more problems for me. In fact, I've internally been on a mission to cover it up, as all of those involved have done over the years, I'm assuming because of the person it involved and his precedence within the community.
Being a part of this group has helped me open up a bit more, without judgement; we are all victims. It has also helped me remember things I have blocked from my memory by talking about it with people who have no involvement or agenda but to help me. I look at my children and get angry at the mere thought of them going through the hours of torture I had to endure that night. And for the record, let me just say, I would NEVER be here to even share my story had it involved my children. I'd be on 20/20, San Quentin: Lockup or Unsolved Mysteries somewhere. Better yet, Cold Case Files because you'd never know I even had a hand in murdering my children's molester.
So my point in sharing this today is to take even further steps in helping myself move forward without anger, because yes, I still have anger. I still deal with it on a regular, due to circumstances beyond my control. But how can I help myself if I am still covering up the transgressions of others?
There is always a point in your life when everybody says they would have been there for you when you needed help. But at the time you asked, they weren't . It always takes something drastic for folks to step up. Why is that?
-4/19/14
My Friends/Family- I do have some wonderful friends and family, I really do. But lately, it seems as if I've been at a distance with some of them. I don't know if it's me or them? I know I'm a homebody and I tend to isolate myself very well. In fact, I've mastered isolation, but even some of my closest friends and family have been the furthest from my reach. I don't fault them, instead, I examine myself to see if I have been a selfish friend? Whatever it is, I just want to get closure with some, and reconnect with others, cautiously.
"You have friends that will mess up and then you have friends that will clean up. It's up to you to find the ones that do both."
-4/16/14
