First 48 Pt. 3

During the first week at AD’s house, I went through several panic attacks. I didn’t know what they were at the time. I would just be sitting there and suddenly my heart would beat rapidly and I was forced to take fast, short breaths. I remember the very first one that happened I panicked so bad that I was bout to call 911 if my heart rate didn’t go down. I thought I was having a heart attack or something because of the sharp pains in my chest. One minute I was sitting there calm, then the next minute I was in such a terrifying panic. I even had one in front of Ava that scared her half to death. We were sitting at the table eating and I felt this chill in my body as if someone was standing right behind me. I jumped up in a panic frantically closing all blinds. AD lived near an air force base and the other one I had was a night I continuously heard the airplanes above the apartment. I knew what it was but for some reason, the more I heard them, the more I became frightened. The way I was jumping you would have thought I had come from a war zone. I can truly say I now understand what they go through. The apartment was always quiet because there was no cable so I would turn on music just to relax me. Even with the music on, the airplanes above caused me to have a panic attack. It was so bad that I would sleep with all of the lights on, windows and blinds shut and locked, and the dead bolt on. When AD would come home at night, I would require him to call my phone, ring the doorbell, and wait until I opened the door before he could enter his own house. That soon started taking a toll on our welcome. I could see the irritation in his face when I opened the door as if we were starting to wear out our welcome.

I knew I needed to get out of the house to regain my sanity. But life just wasn’t the same anymore. I abandoned my friends, my phone and the outside world. The weekend had come and it was my Aunts birthday party. I had no intentions on going because I knew that my cousin who had caused all of this mess would be there and I wasn’t sure how I wanted to face him yet. I blamed him for what I was going through. But sitting in the house with no TV was driving me more insane. I had no normalcy to my life anymore. Didn’t know if I was comin’ or goin’. One of my cousins finally convinced me to go to the party. As I was there, it actually felt good to be around family. I was socializing again instead of isolating and medicating myself. I hadn’t been out the house the entire week but I wasn’t depressed at all. Hadn’t really shed any tears either. I was too much in shock to have any emotion but fear!

Just when I thought things were going to start going back to normal, I got a call while I was at the party. My house had been broken into and all of my things were stolen. It was devastating. I knew exactly who was involved and there was no way I could ever go back to that place now. I could do nothing but cry. Not because all of my possessions were gone, but I just felt so defeated. I felt helpless, powerless and just broken on the inside. I was clearly violated by the people whom I seen everyday and associated with on a daily basis; the very people who I had let into my home, my circle, and unfortunately my life. I had no desire to ever go back again. My home was no longer my home. Amongst the things that were stolen were my 42” TV, the glass stand it was on, the cable box, a digital picture frame, my computer, video camera, Nintendo Wii + 10 games, Nintendo NES + 50 games, Nintendo DS + 10 games, multiple Xbox games, over about 60 DVDs including the kids movies, about $100, and the food out of my refrigerator and freezer….can you believe that??? This was straight cowardly and ruthless of them to do, not to mention a little crackish! Surprisingly it all didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I just wanted to get out of there for good now. Any intentions I had on going back had now turned into plans to get a Uhaul and evacuate the rest of my belongings they hadn’t taken yet. With the help of my friends and family, my apartment was cleaned out within the next few days. I could not have done it without them.

Now back at AD’s house, I had to figure out my next move. I had planned on filing for a transfer to a different property and knew that it would take some time. The next morning after storaging my things, I asked AD if I could have my mail transferred to his house so that I didn’t have to go back over there at all.

“For what?” he asked, “I thought this was temporary and you were going to go stay with your brother until you figured things out?

“Well I need a little more time. Do you think we can stay here a little longer until then?”

“How much longer you need?”

“I don’t know. Maybe about a month…..?!?”

long pause………..

“I don’t know…….I’m kind of in a situation right now with this girl. She knows yall are here now but I’ve already had it out with her about yall being here this past week. But I guess I’ll deal with yall for a month but after that…..”

My ears suddenly went deaf. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing come out of his mouth. I figured us staying there wouldn’t be a problem for several reasons. For one, I had his daughter to take care of. Two, he had stayed with me plenty of times (even against my will) but out of the kindness of my heart and his situation, I let him stay anyway. So to me, this was just reparations. In such disbelief, I just went outside to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do from there. I couldn’t stay at a place where I wasn’t wanted. I was already going through enough and staying there was making it worse. I felt so uncomfortable after that so I ended up packing up the little bit I had at his house and left for my brother’s house. And what a difference that made. I felt so much better, much more welcomed, and I finally had a TV back. Who would have known a TV would help me to recover from what I was going through? I started to feel like part of the world again. It gave me a feeling of normalcy again.

Was I bitter that I felt like a man whom I had been there for the last 11 years had put me out? Damn skipy! I was livid. Vowed to never speak to him again or do anything for him. And like most bitter women say, I wasn’t even willing to waste my piss on him. But hearing my little girl cry for her daddy day after day wouldn’t allow me to do that. So I barely let him back in, only enough to continue a relationship with his daughter…without having to deal with me. I also didn’t have the energy to remain angry with him; I had to figure out a way to get myself better.

After going to the doctor, I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and hypertension. My blood pressure was at an all time high in stage 2. I was put on 4 different medications, which I refused to take. I only took the blood pressure medicine. It’s just something about medicine that I am afraid of, excluding aspirin. So I held on to them and agreed to take them only if the symptoms got worse and I needed them. Fortunately I never had to take them. As time passed on things got better for me. I think being around family made it easier for me. I didn’t have to worry about being home alone like I was at AD’s house, nor did I have to worry about wearing out my welcome. I was welcome to stay at my brother house as long as I needed to.

Three months later, things finally started to work out for me. After being denied a transfer twice, I filed an appeal, prayed over it, and put it in God’s hands. 24 hours after my appeal, I was approved to move. Finally found a place in a different location that suites my lifestyle now. These last few months were such drastic changes for me. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason from this very situation. I have given my life back to God, ended up finding a place next to some Godly people, and I look at life totally different. I am more humble than I have ever been. I don’t take my kids for granted and I enjoy everyday with them. I hate even sending them away with their dad because I miss them so much. We’ve all gotten closer since all of this happened. (Ava may be a little bit too clingy from it all. I think she’s not adjusting well to all of these changes) All of those material things mean nothing to me now. I’m not even angry with them taking it at all. I do get sad about it sometimes but I’m not angry. It taught me a lesson on value. Those are just material things. What matters to me most is my walk with God and my relationship with my children. My family has played a major part in my healing process. There have been plenty of times where I just wanted to isolate myself and go into a depression but my family wouldn’t let that happen. They were very supportive and very adamant about checking on me. This situation also helped me to reevaluate my relationships with people who shouldn’t even have been considered associates. I had to shift where my loyalty lied, especially with AD. We are co-parenting and that is all. I don’t consider him a friend of mine and that is how it will be from now on. I am on a different path in my life and if you’re not with me, than you’re against me.

It's Never Too Late For An Education

(This is a sample writing that I submitted for a potential job. Wish me luck!)

Education is definitely a major goal for me right now, as it should be for anyone. The fact that I’m still young gives me the opportunity that not all had the likelihood of executing. Some in today’s generation definitely takes for granted that a higher education is available to all who have the determination and discipline to attain. It is there but you have to want it. There are a few key things that can help you accomplish whatever goal you decide to achieve.

Dedication is a must. I can attest to having troubles through out my college education. My first semester of school, I was focused and doing great. Very motivated and had one goal in mind, to walk across that stage with a degree. Toward the end of the first semester, a tragedy struck me that diverted my attention. One of my best friends had suddenly passed as a result of a brain aneurysm. My grades started dropping and soon I was failing all but one of my classes. That is when I made the decision to take a few semesters off and return when I felt I was ready. It wasn’t until four years later when I finally woke up one day and realized that I needed to do something about my education. It was when my graduating class starting getting their degrees that I opened my eyes and realized that could’ve been me. I didn’t get too discouraged to the point where I gave up but it actually motivated me. It didn’t matter to me that I was just getting started the year I should have been done had I stuck with my plan. I made up in my mind that I was determined to finish. I didn’t want 5-10 years to go by and still be talking about it could’ve been me. I was determined to make it me! Don’t ever think it’s too late to get started or to still be in school.

Support is vital. There are plenty of resources out there for us young people to use. We all have our personal lives; some have kids, jobs, and other things going on. However, make sure you surround yourself with likeminded people who will keep you motivated and focused. Family can play a big role in your journey. Also use other resources such as talking to your counselors at your school. They will help you stay on track towards goal. Stay involved in school activities; join support groups, tutoring, and programs such as W.A.C and R.A.D. They are there to help us excel. Finally, there are programs that offer a major amount of financial support such as financial aid, grants, loans, and scholarships. All you have to do is apply for them. Billions of dollars are given away a year for the sole purpose to further our education.

Accountability is significant. There will be times where everything doesn’t always go as planned and classes are harder than you expected. Failing a class does not mean that you have ruined your goal. As they say, dust yourself off and try again. You can attempt a course up to 3 times in order to better your chances at getting the grade that you want to reflect on your transcript. You can also have a course discounted when you repeat it so it doesn’t harm your GPA. But most importantly, be accountable for your actions. Figure out what it is that you can do better the next time and work on that so you don’t make the same mistakes. Use your time wisely while in school and set schedules to stick to. Otherwise, you can be easily distracted.

My journey has not always been easy but with the dedication, support, and accountability that I have for my own actions, I was able to realize my weaknesses and correct them. I was setting goals way beyond my reach and when I didn’t reach them, I was too hard on myself. There were plenty of times I had to refocus and regroup and it paid off. I not only brought my grades up but I also learned to set goals that were attainable for me and easy to maintain. I am more focused and I will not give up until I reach my goal.