Triggers

I have triggers.

We all do.

I am still figuring out some of my triggers as I type. All I can think is, "took me long enough!"

I am at a pivotal moment in my life. (so cliche'......I know)

Progression isn’t always equivalent to healing. In fact, for every step, the devil is there to kick us back two more. In my last blog, My Undeniable Truth , I briefly touched on one of the most unforgettable moments in my life. It was exhausting to even write it. But after I did, I felt sooooo free and on my way to progression.

What I didn’t expect, is the fallout following the blog; unrelated, yet ill-timed. It caused me to reevaluate most, if not all relationships and sent me into a coiled distrust.

Release only equals hope that my torment will end one day; not that everyone will understand what I went through and the anger I’ve carried for years. I almost believe no one will ever get it. And I’m okay with that. The more I talk, the more freeing it feels. Yet, in the same breath, I feel as if someone is out there lurking to tear me down once I “proclaim” any type of advancement.

Somehow, we are trained to never speak of our hurt beyond betrayal of our families.....unless we're considered being resentful, angry and just outright disrespectful. It just always seems to happen that way. My advancement may hurt people in the process. It may reveal secrets that no one was ever supposed to know. Family hurt and pain that was never dealt with. But at this point in time, I cannot make you realize your part in anything. And frankly, after all these years, if you haven't realized it yet, even after countless talks, it's time for me to make one of the hardest decisions, yet invigorating.

Being in a constant torment for choices I’ve made, circumstances I’ve been forced into or situations I’ve obliged to participate in or witness and did not take a stand; still haunts me to this day. They just do. I’ve come to that realization. But I cannot, during my process of healing, go and seek revenge nor reconcile with every person I felt wronged by, or rekindle relationships that were forced in the first place. They are my triggers right now.

The path I’m on now is what I think is best for me, although most may not see it the way I do. But it’s really not what anyone thinks. The end results, concludes my children and me. That’s it. That’s all.

What I DO NOT like during my process, is anyone making me feel like I AM THE PROBLEM!

I AM NOT.

And I will not tolerate it.

I do not have the handbook for the right things to say or do. After all, how do you help a grown adult who still suffers from sexual abuse as a child, family outcast, betrayal, and most importantly lack of communication? But what I will not tolerate, is ANYONE pointing the finger at me. WRONG B. Just sayin'. I ain't bout that life.

It can be very premature to assume that I am bitter, wounded and lashing out, because I’m really not. There is more to me than what some may see or read. Instead of focusing on my issues, how about focusing on what caused them? Root? Foundation? Problem? Anything ring a bell? Probably not. But if you really want to help, find ground zero. I wasn't there when it happened.....JS!

Lately, I’ve been finding it hard to trust anybody. Even when I ask the right questions, just to see who is really on my team, I don’t get direct answers anymore.

I’m torn.

And that’s just the truth. As true as truth can get.

For now, I’ll just keep writing, making my lil' footnotes, and quotes, and somehow figure this thing out. Even if I have to do it alone, I will figure it out. Trying to unlock a deadbolt with no key is meaningless.

One thing that I have gathered is that my prayer life is not where it should be. I never take isolation as a bad thing. Sometimes we have to go through it in order to hear God’s voice.

Well, Jehovah, I’m here.

Listening…….