Eat the Meat and Throw Away the Bones

We all would like to think that we’re pretty private.
But let’s be real, most of the things we choose to keep “private” ends up going from one ear to the next.

I’ve always been an open book and plan to remain that way. Some days I feel like I’m holding out when I write, and other days I feel like I’m telling too much.

My mind is a mystical playground, literally.

I say all of that to say this: I’ve been pretty private about some health issues that I’m having. I’ve talked to a few select friends about it and of course my Mom. I've been keeping them updated about different tests I’ve been taking over the last couple months and what’s been going on.

But here I am at the crossroads and I am facing a “minor” outpatient surgery in a couple weeks.

For some reason, I am beyond nervous about it. Like soooooo nervous that I can’t even explain to the people I confide in. I don’t want to worry them. I even joke about it.

I think I’ve been trying to take it lightly because I’m beginning to become a little more paranoid and a little “hypochondriac-ish”. But I know my body and feel that something isn't right.

I want to believe that it’s a “minor” surgery and that just like my last one, I will be ok.

But, I have to be honest with myself……..I’M SCARED SHITLESS!!! I don’t know why???

Even when I’m only getting wisdom teeth pulled, I’M SCARED.

My brain has never been able to comprehend the fact that there are drugs that will put you to sleep and someone can cut & drill on you and you feel NO PAIN (at least until you wake up)…….I just can’t wrap my head around that.

It’s as if the person being operated on is DEAD.

I don’t get it?!?!

So, of course I go into any “minor” (as they like to call it) outpatient surgery/procedure nervous as hell. I’m just tired of feeling helpless right now. I have to depend on people to drive me & my kids around and do things for me ALLLLL OVERRRRR AGAIINNNNNN??? I've been through this twice before and my parents really came through. Second time, my cousin did it for me.
I'm talking about even taking the kids to school everyday because I couldn't drive.

I’m so over it.

*SIGH*

Anyway, after this surgery on December 29th (unrelated to the ankle issue), I have to have another one, AGAIN, in April (to remove the screws from my ankles).

I have to be honest with myself and admit I’m overwhelmed with all of the medical issues I’ve been having. It’s like hitting me all at once with the “domino effect.”

Lately, I’ve always felt my body feels older than its actual age. I’m only 33 and dealing with too many things at once.

I thought I had wayyy more time to still feel young? 33 is NOT old.

But, my body is saying otherwise, at least in my case.

I will never be the same.

And, yes, I expected to.

I expected my 30’s to be nothing but fun years?

I live with guilt that it’s not. My children react in extreme shock when they see me active, or even doing something as simple as bending down on the floor on my knees (like when we moved our furniture around last night). My memory, my body and my joints work with me when they want to and I’m reduced to a DAILY pill box. I thought those boxes were only for old people?

I’m not getting that old, or my body is not shutting down that much……….

Is it?

That is what I really want to know, within myself.

With all of my recent health problems, surgeries, and tests to rule out certain things, I think my brain has shut down before my body actually has.

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>>>>> Here’s the point in this blog where I stared at the screen, writing sentence after sentence, only to erase it. I started off wanting to be transparent and more truthful, but questioned myself on how much of my personal business I wanted to tell.<<<<<<<<<<

So, I will end with this (I think it’s been time to end), I just hope that through my privacy, yet, openness, that I am learning valuable lessons and “eating the meat and throwing away the bone.”

***Blog inspired by just coming from the lab getting poked on to the point of puncture wounds***