Dear James

Dear James,

I don’t think I’ve ever addressed you, personally, to really talk about what “transpired that night” (your words, not mine). Those were the exact words you chose to use when you attempted to address me, secretly, while my sister and mother were a room away from us. You chose that exact, quiet moment to give your secret apology while we were left in that awkward moment, alone. You hoped that I’d forget about it and never mention it. They had no idea at the time that you were my abuser, how much it affected me, nor how uncomfortable I was being left alone in ANY room with you, let alone just being IN a room with you. These are moments that I remember “taking one for the team.” But, do believe, it wasn’t for you, it was for my family, the church, and the sake of keeping things peaceful while your dad was fighting for his life.

I will never forget that half-ass-whispered apology; it was offensive. It almost hurt me as much as the hours of torture you put me through that night when you thought I was sleeping. Matter of fact, I KNOW you knew I was awake that night. But, you didn’t even care to consider my feelings, or your wife’s feelings. Your wife - my sister - has been nothing but good to you and has been there for your sorry ass, at least in my eyes. And, you still chose to hurt her, as well as myself in the process of your selfish, devious, sexual fantasies of wanting to fuck an under-aged little girl. Let’s call it what it is, YOU ARE A PEDOPHILE! While I seek professional help & support groups, you should consider doing the same. After all, you are surrounded by many of "flock." I figured it wasn't a one-time thing when you made an inappropriate statement to a young-TEENAGED-GIRL that I introduced you to at one of our forced meet n greets.

No matter how angry I am with my sister at her at her lack of empathy regarding this uncomfortable situation that you’ve put us ALL in, (because as she prematurely said it before, “I didn’t think it was that serious?!?”) you were wrong to have treated her in a manner as such…..while she slept in the upstairs bedroom.

I trusted you. We trusted you. You were your dad’s son. How can you possibly come from a selfless man of great stature, yet, be so self-indulgent? I have to realize, you’re NOTHING like your dad. And, will never be. That would be an insult to compare you to him, as everyone has tried for years.

I’m not looking for an apology from you, especially at this point. I realized I’ll never get that apology...sincerely. I expect nothing from you, really, and my healing process doesn’t include you right now. I’m just going through the motions and proper steps to free myself from the guilt and shame of what you did to me. I hate the guilt that I carry when I feel like my story isn’t as bad as the other survivors, so I stay quiet, thinking I shouldn’t be taking it as hard as I am. Truth is, I will ALWAYS have MY STORY. At times I’m glad it wasn’t as brutal as others, then, other times I feel like you may as well tied me up and brutally raped me; my pain is still the same, and it's valid. And I intend to tell it until my last breath, with no intention in mind but to release. But, in order for me to move on to the next phase, I have to be honest with myself and express what it is that I actually feel I lost along the way, on my journey to adulthood, so here it goes:

MEMORIES:

I wanted to erase the memory of that night ever existing so bad to the point where I even denied it happening - to others and to myself. I did this for so many years and blocked it out so well that I actually lost good memories along the way. I have a block of memory loss for several years that you took from me and I hate it because I had wonderful, supportive friends & family but I wouldn’t allow them into that space to help me, when all I really needed was help.Yeah, YOU DID THAT!

HOLDING HANDS:

You have stolen affection from me. It pains me to even hold someone's hand or have skin to skin contact. All I can think about when someone’s hands touch me, is nothing but negative thoughts. To picture your nasty hands and dirty fingernails touching my body pains me to no end. To the point where I never want anyone to touch me ever again. Imagine how my kids feel when I can only hold their hands for short periods of time? Yeah, YOU DID THAT!

BEING TOUCHED:

The thought of being touched, specifically sexually, disgusts my very soul. I have failed relationships because of you. My future husband will have to tread lightly because of you. Yeah, YOU DID THAT, TOO!

AFFECTION:

I was always uncomfortable with affection. My family isn’t the big affectionate type. But now, the chances of that ever getting better are slim in my eyes. Yeah, YOU DID THAT, TOO!

FAMILY:

I feel like you actually stole my family from me. They all STILL love you, well, some of them. They STILL invite you over for dinners & family functions (that I choose to never attend again) But, they PUBLICLY SUPPORT YOU. I never got that from them. We all kept quiet, I guess for your and my sisters sake and embarrassment. Y’all all stand behind “the cloth” and think it is the “Christian thing to do.” All the while, little ole me sits behind the scenes and watch them support your “ministry” and stomp the yard for Jesus alongside of you, as if y’all represent the same Godliness, but I digress. What’s even worse, is that I have to allow my son to call you UNCLE. Do you know how hard that is for me? My flesh wants to spew out as many “Fuck you’s” as I can, but I’ve done that already. And it does nothing but leave me with swollen eyelids the next day. I’m tired of that. So you won that battle of me ever cussing you out. Lucky you. Yeah, YOU DID THAT, TOO!

I will end with this, though: I wrote this letter after reading Alma Bass’ letter to her abuser and it inspired me. I’ve never done this, and it happens to be therapeutic for me. I’m done hiding your name. I’m done hiding your identIty. I’m done “taking one for the team” and I'm certainly done taking one for the sake of family unity. Some may consider this exposure, but I consider it part of my closure.

Whatever it takes, I will get better, trust!