Dear Cain & Abel

After reading this blog (http://thewatkinsteam.blogspot.com/2013/05/on-dating.html?spref=fb)...sorry link wasn't working. But you can copy/paste the link....I was inspired to start writing "open letters" to my children that I have named "Dear Cain & Abel." As a graduation gift, my cousin Annetta gave me a journal and this was my first entry. I've decided to use this journal to write directly to my kids so they will always know how much I love them, even long after I'm gone.
No, no, I'm not dying...lol. But I do want my kids to have plenty of written letters and words of love and encouragement from me that they can always read at any point in their lives. I'm not sure if I'll share every entry here on my blog but I did want to share this one and possibly inspire someone to do the same.


Dear Calen &Ava (or Cain & Abel as I call them),



I love you two more that you guys will ever know. Y'all bring joy to my life as well as purpose. I'm writing to let y'all know that ever since having y'all, I have done everything in my powers to provide for you two, keep y'all happy, love y'all to the best of my ability and even teach you everything I know that will contribute to you guys being very successful. There is nothing I wouldn't do to keep you happy. It hasn't always been easy and at times I've struggled to make it happen, but the smile on your faces made the sacrifices that I've made all worthwhile. It's my job and my mission to keep y'all happy. Remember that always. I never knew I could ever love so hard and unconditionally until I met you two. And it's like you guys are perfect for me. I couldn't imagine it any other way. It just warms my heart to watch you both grown and build a relationship. Even through the fights, arguments and disagreements, you two are inseparable. Always remember to love each other wholeheartedly.
Calen, it is your job to love and take care of your sister. Show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman and always respect her. She will be a woman one day and she'll remember all the things you taught her.
Ava, love your brother unconditionally. I know right now you feel like he's a bully but that's what big brothers do. You just wait until you start dating. = )! But always confide in him and trust him. He loves you and will never steer you wrong. Stay close with him, he will always protect you.


 Mommy loves you both dearly and want nothing more than to see you two happy!

Contemplation

Being in a contemplative state of mind is driving me crazy lately. A lot has gone on in my life in this last year to get me to this point in my life. I have matured a lot spiritually as well as naturally, but in contrast being contemplative has also kept me stagnant.

I will break this up into 3 different parts……

I. School/Career
Lately I’ve been very contemplative about my life in many different areas. Even before graduation I was reflecting on my life and what I wanted/needed to do with my career. If you read my previous blogs, you’ll know that this previous semester before graduation I had a nervous breakdown from stress, kids, school, and just pressure of life. After I made it through that (thank God for my brother Jr.), I began to reflect on my life and where I wanted to go. Thank God that this semester I graduated with my AA in Language Studies and will continue my BA at CSU Sacramento for Journalism. It was that halfway mark that I needed. I needed that push on the back to feel like I accomplished something and all my studying was not in vain.
I don’t start my next semester until August but in the meantime, my brain hasn’t been able to take a rest. My mind is still doing homework in my head. It’s like I’m programmed and I don’t know how to de-program. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing though? I think my brain used to stress of my homework more than I actually did it.
Anyway, so my dilemma with school is my career goal. Y’all know I’m a journalist and I love to write, edit, or anything that has to do with Journalism. But for the last year I’ve always thought about a second career……Interpreting; for Sign Language that is. It does pay more, but for me is a little more difficult than writing, which comes natural for me. However, I do have two of the best tutors there are, my dad who was completely deaf since the age of 3 and knows ASL very fluently so he is my “in-home” tutor. Then I have my girl Tracy who is actually an ASL interpreter and can show me the ropes as well. I don’t want to be one of those students who change their major in the middle of schooling but I do want to major in two different areas. The question is can I handle a double major at this point? I’m giving myself until August to think about it.

II. Kids
The second area of contemplation would be my children. I’ve been trying to become more active with them because they say I’m boring and have no life. They told me all I like to do is read books and watch movies/news. Has my career goal really taken over my life that much? I want to do more things that they enjoy so I do have some summer activities lined up for us while I’m waiting for the next semester. I want to do things with them that we don’t normally do on a regular basis…..and I want some of them to be educational. I’m really big on making sure my kids understand how important their education is. Other than cheerleading, basketball, and gymnastics I have planned a trip to the Exploratorium (Calen loves this Science stuff and Ava just loves asking questions about everything), and looking into a CPR class (I’m big on emergency safety since we live alone). This last earthquake scare was an opportunity to teach them what to do in emergency situations. Calen even took it too far as to sleep in the doorway that night to ensure his safety. But I’ve educated them on fires, earthquakes, and some 911 situations. Now I just want them to get adequate training on CPR and actual situations. I’m sure there are local programs that will teach children what to do. I think even at times I take this safety thing too far….contemplative on gun training too (for me that is). I blame “First 48” and “I Survived.”

III. Companionship
The third area is the “forbidden”……or so I have so maliciously coined it. I’ve been single for quite some time and I actually enjoy it. I do have some lonely nights or times where I wish I just had that adult interaction other than with my kids to come home to (not like that yall….lol). But I go back and forth with it so much that I have decided not to partake in the dating world. Even if I wanted to date, I don’t ever want to leave my house so I don’t give anybody the time of day. But like I said, those lonely nights do come and that’s when my mind starts to wander to the past and it sends me deeper into my hole. My girls call me, “the old lady in the shoe” because I have just completely shut myself off from the outside world (excluding my Monthay)! I’m a very patient person and can wait. But sometimes a sista needs that little black book to have on deck!!! Haha. So I’ve actually been thinking about dating recently. Hmmmm, just a thought! At least until Tevin and get married.

Anyway, I know that was a lot but it was just a glimpse into my whirlwind of a mind. I know some of you can relate and others can give advice. Feel free to comment and share what you’d like.

My Beautiful Baby Girl

I’m not sure whether to call this my ‘aha moment’, an epiphany, or a pre-midlife crisis? Whatever you call it, I am hitting an unfamiliar stage in parenting. Maybe it’s because my little girl is going through something that can be so detrimental to her future. She’s only 5 and already going through the “I feel ugly” stage and is never satisfied with herself. It is breaking my heart to watch her be so unhappy with herself. Five is a very young age to have to go through that. It’s like she did a compete 180. Before, I couldn’t keep that girl out the mirror and from in front of my camera. She even took self portraits. But now she feels so unworthy of herself sometimes and I can’t take it.

I try to do everything to help her through it by telling her constantly that she’s beautiful, or doing things like letting her pick out her own clothes or letting me know how she wants her hair done. I’ve even done some styles that I don’t care for, but as long as she feels good about herself, that makes me happy. At first I thought she was just being a picky little girl going through this diva stage but I realized it was more serious than that. I have noticed as well as one of my girlfriends noticed that she is just so self conscience about herself right now. It doesn’t help that after a 3 day fever, she got a fever rash all over her body so her skin began to peel leaving her with a dry flaky residue everywhere. I can tell it’s bugging her because she constantly talks about it and picks at her skin.

Another instance is when she came to me crying saying that Calen doesn’t love her and he thinks she’s ugly. So I got upset and was about to fuss at Calen. I have been getting on him lately about picking on her and always laughing at her because she hates it. But when he said he told her no such thing I asked Ava where she got that from? She responds with, “I just know he’s thinking it in his head.”  These are the types of things that she has been going through for some months now and no matter what I say, she still thinks she’s not good enough nor feels loved. So I have been paying real close attention to her and trying to figure out things I can do to help her feel good. Last week her Auntie Kindra came over and did her hair in her favorite style….braids and beads. Anything to make her feel good at this point, I’m trying.

How can a beautiful girl like this feel so ugly and what can I do to help?

Determined at Any Cost...

          Today marks the last day of my official vacation from school; I go back to school this following Tuesday. I must admit my last semester has been the worst thorn in my side. I’ve been working toward this degree for quite some time now and during the end of the race, I began to become exhausted. After many letdowns, I learned to set short term goals for myself rather than look at the end picture. But even that can be challenging sometimes. Of course I’ve veered off course, or lost my momentum. However, I learned to set smaller goals rather than to put pressure on myself with challenging goals that I can hardly maintain. During my last semester, I packed on any class that was available to me during my last few semesters at the Jr. College just so I could be closer to my goals. That was ultimately my downfall. Although I felt that I had finally conquered the ability to work hard, and although I was so determined, I had lost myself during the process.

          Here I was in my last two semesters before my transfer to Sac State and I had taken on more than I could handle. I signed up for 6 classes; English, Anthropology, Science, two Geography classes and Math which ultimately became the bane of my existence. I had never been so stressed out in my life. I suffered sleep deprivation, hair loss and I neglected my kids’ education and their progress began to plummet as well as mine. I also neglected myself and my daily necessities to keep me sane. I had no extra time or “free time” as they call it. I dedicated every free moment and "off day" to homework. Those four months had me on the brinks of a many nervous breakdowns. There were nights where I literally cried myself into a sleep because of how stressed I was. I didn’t talk to many folks about it (even my Sister Wives) because I already felt like a bother to myself, let alone the thought of trying to explain to anyone. I didn't think anyone understood me. My brother “Jr” was my dose of daily sanity to get me through many of those days where I thought I was losing my mind.

Ultimately, he was the one to help me through that depression. He somehow understood my silent tears and frustrations. He listened through my sobs and felt the pain in my heart. He helped me realize that my determination didn’t mean anything based on the sacrifices that I had made to get there. I was losing myself as well as the relationships with my children. I came to the realization that it wasn’t worth it and I would never do it again.

          So I sat here today reflecting on the last day of my “two-month vacation” from school (where I regained my sanity) and was wondering what to do with my last day? Should I sleep in like I’ve done all the other days? Lie in bed all day and watch Lifetime while the kids are at school? Go do something fun that I haven’t been able to do in a long time due to homework and stress? Afterall, I hadn’t been to the movies in such a long time, even that will count as my “fun time.” Well, I sat up this morning thinking of all the things I needed to do to my house while “I was on the run.” Ever morning as I leave for work or school, I always look around my house and say to myself, I will do that on my next day off! Or If I had another day off I could get so much done. I could do this or do that! But each day off, I forced myself to relax and be lazy rather than wreck my brain with more on my "to do" list.

          This process has helped me realize that no matter how many days I had off, I would still put something off until the last minute just because I had so many more days to do it!!! Lol. Relax while you can. So I am proud to say that at least for TODAY…..I proved myself wrong! Haha. After I dropped the kids off to school, I made me a nice, big juicy steak for breakfast, I cleaned corners that I’ve been ignoring for months, I rearranged furniture in my house to give me that new “homey” feel, and I arranged my backpack as I prepare my mind for my last semester at American River College where I will graduate in May with my Associates in Language Studies  and then transfer to Sacramento State University where I will pursue my bachelors in Journalism and Mass Communication with a minor in Deaf Studies. I’m actually excited and through this entire experience, I’ve learned to take it slow and take on only what I can handle. I underestimate myself a lot but at the same time, I don’t regret having goals. What I do regret is pushing myself to that limit. I was a mess yall. I will never do that to myself again. I had a lot of people in my corner and rooting for me but at the same time I couldn’t accept anything less than great. Why in the world would I put that much pressure on myself like that? Hindsight, it was not worth the agony I went through silently. So I will say this, I am ready for next semester, and it is a load that I can handle. And I really look forward to my graduation in May. Although it’s only the halfway mark, it is exactly what I need…..that pat on the back to let me know that if I made it this far, I can keep on going! A big thank you to my family and friends that were there to keep pushing me and listening to my complaining along the way. Trust me, it doesn't go unnoticed. Special shot out to my brother "Jr." Not sure if I would have made it through those days without you. I will be sure to thank you all when I "make it big!" = )

Pay It Forward Gone "Wrong"

 Ever since I watched the movie Pay It Forward with Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osment it has changed my perspective. I really believe in the whole "pay it forward" concept, I really do. Pay It Forward is basically a movie about a little boy who does a good deed for a stranger, then tells them to "pay it forward" to the next stranger. Soon enough, everyone starts to catch on the the concept and the world becomes a better place.
Well, several months ago, a total stranger decided to pay it forward and paid for my breakfast in the drive thru one morning. I thought it was the sweetest thing. It really made me feel good for her to do that out of the kindness of her heart. I thanked the Lord for my blessing and vowed that I would pay it forward to the next person when I got a chance. Tonight, I did so. I didn't have much money but I decided to pay it forward to the gentleman behind me in the drive thru anyway. After all, he was also very courteous to let me go ahead of him when he clearly got there first.
So I pay for the young man's food and told the worker to tell him, "Happy New Year and to pay it forward." I drove off feeling real good about being able to bless someone else, even though I really didn't have the money to. (The whole point was to make a sacrifice.) So after I leave, I notice in my rear view mirror the young man catches up to me on the road and ends up directly behind me. I thought maybe he wanted to at least say thank you or something. I was flattered but didn't think it was necessary. So as I'm en route to my home I noticed he was still behind me. In my head I'm thinking hurry up and say thank you and go on now! Get! But he never pulled to the side of me, even at the read light. Now I'm getting nervous as I turn into the neighborhood away from the busy street and he turns behind me as well. So many things are going through my head like do I not turn down my street so he doesn't know where I live? Do I drive back to the main street? What if this man is crazy or something? I mean, it is New Years Day at 2am!!!
I was really nervous and worried that my "pay it forward" deed just wasn't the right time. So I turn on my street and BOOM!!!......so does he!!! Uh oh.......?!?
My house is coming up and I'm still debating do I turn in there or keep driving? So now I'm praying hoping that he really isn't following me and maybe just happen to take the same turns as I did. I'm also thinking in my head that maybe I'm trippin and it's nothing! I really need to stop watching Lifetime. Only way I could find out that he wasn't following me was to turn into my apartments. So I say a prayer and pull into the drive way but don't park. I wanted it to look like I was picking someone up or something. I pulled in and kept my lights on and engine running as I sat and waited for his car to pass my house rather than turn into the same driveway. Those 15 seconds seemed like forever just like a movie scene where the scary part starts before the killer chases the lady into the woods and chops her body up!!! **Cue the scary music**

Turns out, the guy really just happened to be going in the same direction because he kept going. I still sat in the car for another 15-30 seconds to make sure he didn't make a u-turn to see what apartment I was walking into!
Now, I don't mean to discourage anyone from paying it forward because of my paranoid self, but I will definitely say I will not be paying it forward at 2am when I'm in the car alone anymore! lol