Fine Journalism, Eh?

I’m never the one to correct anyone or disrespectfully disagree with them, especially on social media.

I am very respectful with respecting others’ opinions because I only want the same in return. I know that every post does not deserve a response and I live by that rule.

Nonetheless, when I am passionate about a topic, I speak out on it.

Still, respectfully.

There are few times where I have had to take short sabbatical from speaking my opinion on public forums. I try not to get too emotionally involved, but, still say my piece.

Lately, I’ve noticed a certain news anchor by the name of Terrell Brown out of Chicago being mentioned on my news feed with very strong opinions about entertainment news. He unprofessionally made some statements about an artist. I responded to the video then moved on.

He also amateurishly responded to a fight video in a deli and a wedding video where the groomsman knocked over a bridesmaid. He had strong and “sassy” opinions about those two.

I know they’re only reporting based on what’s on the prompter, but he also adds his own commentary at the end of each segment.

Fine, that’s his right. ABC 7 obviously don’t mind.

With this whole #SandraBland case, he popped up in my news feed again. But what pissed me off about it, is when he reported on her story, he was so hush-hush with nothing more to say. And this time, he asked for public opinions on his social media page!

Reallllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

I just watched several clips of you bumping your gums against things that have no weight on the world and its corrupted state, but this one, you have nothing to say?

I find that cowardly.

Journalists are supposed to report news in an unbiased method. I don’t hold anyone accountable when they veer from that. But, I will hold you accountable when you seem to do it on a regular, but have nothing to say when it really matters?!?

Now, suddenly, you wanna be professional?

#BoyBye

That’s exactly what I told him.

I also expressed my displeasure with him having nothing more to say on the Sandra Bland case and how he left it up to many people who don’t have the platform that he has to make a difference.

Oddly, my comment was deleted.

I feel like I was respectful enough. Yet, he still deleted my comment that held him accountable.

I do not respect journalists that do their job ineffectively. Journalism has always been my passion and career goal so I take it seriously. It angers me when news outlets are subjective and it even makes me question my career at times.

Some of them can be so heartless to people just for a story!

That can’t be me. I refuse.

I’ll be like that journalist that walked off her job saying, "F&^% it, I quit!” before I become conformed to your propaganda.

Diaries

I don’t have much to blog about lately.
Or, actually, I do.
But I am choosing not to share much right now.

Lately, I’ve found myself doing more listening, than talking…..or writing.
At times I’ve gone through jealousy stages of not being further along in my own projects, but I know sometimes I'm very content with where I’m at.
That's what I'm learning.
I'm experiencing the joys of editing more than writing.

I know that I am my own worst critic.

I lose my thoughts, a lot, and it’s frustrating.
Very.
At times I feel like I share too much.
Other times, I feel like I share too little.
I debate, often, where is the healthy balance?
Where do I draw the line?

I do forget that I have a blog to write freely.
This is my safe-haven.
With no judgement.
But the more people I share it with, and the more followers I gain, I tend to close up even more.

My blog is like a diary to me.
It contains puzzles that only I can decode.
And certain times I don’t want people to figure them out.

When I look back at old posts…. it brings back memories that I’ve already dealt with.
Some made good stories and some reminded me of situations and relationships that I’ve overcame.
Some of the memories I don’t want to re-live over and over again.
Do I have to revisit those moments, again???

Some diaries are meant to stay private.
All depending ont he persons progress.

I read some stories from my blogs and smile at how far I’ve come.
Other stories I read in disbelief.
Some I giggle at in embarrassment.

But they’re all my memories.

I also have so many journals that I can’t even keep up with.
A drawer full of them.
And I utilize every one of them.
Often.

But they’re categorized.
It’s the OCD in me.
I hate it.

Each of them represents a certain mood.
Each mood, I’m compelled to pull out a specific journal.

I’d love to, #OneDay, pull out an “all purpose” journal.
One where I can share every thought to over cross my mind.

Ava's Art Museum

Because I am a neat freak, I am very meticulous about everything having a place and my house being in complete order.
Ava loves her artwork, so of course she creates hundreds of pieces everyday, so many pieces that I can't keep up with them all. I've tried hanging them on the fridge, stuffing them in a drawer in her room, even putting them in my file cabinet or allowing her to hang them in her room as well as putting them in a folder on my bookshelf. The Hello Kitty book (to the left) is an empty canvas for her to keep them all in one place and it's almost filled up. She loves to paint in it.
Recently, I have loosened up. What is the point of artwork if you cannot display it? So I have allowed her to hang up her artwork ANYWHERE in the house, even in my living room. It wasn't easy at first, I must admit. I was so particular on sticking with a color theme in my living room, everything matched. My artwork on my walls had to match the decor of my house.

Well, I finally let Ava go for it and she is well on her way. Soon, my walls will be filled with her masterpieces. And I am okay with that. It's the little things that makes me smile and her artwork is one of them. So seeing them daily around my walls make me smile...knowing the effort she has put into it. And to watch her so happy and feeling accomplished as she hangs them on the wall is priceless. The four photos to the right are a collection of what she calls her "fireworks." She even labeled them as if we're in an art museum.
 





This one is her artwork on a canvas that I purchased for her to do for my room. Nothing but paint, a comb, and a blank canvas was used, and I let her have at it. This was done back in 2011 and hung on my bedroom wall. Notice the hand-print signature in the corner?

Here is the first book we've written together (June 2014). Of course she did all the artwork. That's her area.

The following are just a taste of her other work she is capable of.
I love it.
She enjoys it.
Win-Win situation.

Triggers

I have triggers.

We all do.

I am still figuring out some of my triggers as I type. All I can think is, "took me long enough!"

I am at a pivotal moment in my life. (so cliche'......I know)

Progression isn’t always equivalent to healing. In fact, for every step, the devil is there to kick us back two more. In my last blog, My Undeniable Truth , I briefly touched on one of the most unforgettable moments in my life. It was exhausting to even write it. But after I did, I felt sooooo free and on my way to progression.

What I didn’t expect, is the fallout following the blog; unrelated, yet ill-timed. It caused me to reevaluate most, if not all relationships and sent me into a coiled distrust.

Release only equals hope that my torment will end one day; not that everyone will understand what I went through and the anger I’ve carried for years. I almost believe no one will ever get it. And I’m okay with that. The more I talk, the more freeing it feels. Yet, in the same breath, I feel as if someone is out there lurking to tear me down once I “proclaim” any type of advancement.

Somehow, we are trained to never speak of our hurt beyond betrayal of our families.....unless we're considered being resentful, angry and just outright disrespectful. It just always seems to happen that way. My advancement may hurt people in the process. It may reveal secrets that no one was ever supposed to know. Family hurt and pain that was never dealt with. But at this point in time, I cannot make you realize your part in anything. And frankly, after all these years, if you haven't realized it yet, even after countless talks, it's time for me to make one of the hardest decisions, yet invigorating.

Being in a constant torment for choices I’ve made, circumstances I’ve been forced into or situations I’ve obliged to participate in or witness and did not take a stand; still haunts me to this day. They just do. I’ve come to that realization. But I cannot, during my process of healing, go and seek revenge nor reconcile with every person I felt wronged by, or rekindle relationships that were forced in the first place. They are my triggers right now.

The path I’m on now is what I think is best for me, although most may not see it the way I do. But it’s really not what anyone thinks. The end results, concludes my children and me. That’s it. That’s all.

What I DO NOT like during my process, is anyone making me feel like I AM THE PROBLEM!

I AM NOT.

And I will not tolerate it.

I do not have the handbook for the right things to say or do. After all, how do you help a grown adult who still suffers from sexual abuse as a child, family outcast, betrayal, and most importantly lack of communication? But what I will not tolerate, is ANYONE pointing the finger at me. WRONG B. Just sayin'. I ain't bout that life.

It can be very premature to assume that I am bitter, wounded and lashing out, because I’m really not. There is more to me than what some may see or read. Instead of focusing on my issues, how about focusing on what caused them? Root? Foundation? Problem? Anything ring a bell? Probably not. But if you really want to help, find ground zero. I wasn't there when it happened.....JS!

Lately, I’ve been finding it hard to trust anybody. Even when I ask the right questions, just to see who is really on my team, I don’t get direct answers anymore.

I’m torn.

And that’s just the truth. As true as truth can get.

For now, I’ll just keep writing, making my lil' footnotes, and quotes, and somehow figure this thing out. Even if I have to do it alone, I will figure it out. Trying to unlock a deadbolt with no key is meaningless.

One thing that I have gathered is that my prayer life is not where it should be. I never take isolation as a bad thing. Sometimes we have to go through it in order to hear God’s voice.

Well, Jehovah, I’m here.

Listening…….

My Undeniable Truth

I received a call from my cousin, Darnell in Indiana at 6am this morning. I hadn't seen him, let alone heard from him in years and didn't even know he had my number. But thanks to Facebook, I responded to something related to him and he chose to pick up the phone and call me.

We talked and laughed about a half hour until our sides hurt. He even reminded me how I've always been his favorite cousin =). When it was time for us to go about our day he said, "I love you, cousin. You're beautiful, very beautiful. I love you, and don't ever settle for anyone."

Of course his crazy, goofy self was only taking jabs at my love for Tevin, but for some reason, it made me tear up. Then I started wondering, "Why in the hell have I been so emotional lately? What is wrong with me?" Other than the typical answer of being a woman, I realized that I hadn't written and released in a while. Lately I have been jotting down little quotes in my notepad with no intent of expounding on them. I've also tweeted encrypted messages that I didn't want anyone to figure out so no one would think that I was going off in the deep end. But when I read them back to myself, I knew exactly what they meant at the moment. And lately, they've been consuming me.

So today I decided, I was going to open my journal, and share some of those moments I intended to keep to myself, lying in bed crying, only writing quotes that I could decode. Compiling so much in very few words over the last several months, knowing it consumed more of my life than 160 characters, can become overwhelming. I want to release a few of them without fear of being judged. After all, this is MY BLOG.

My Children- This morning while dropping Ava off, I stared at her as she stared out the window with no fear of the world. She had no care of watching the road and other careless drivers that I protect her from daily. She had no idea the things running through my mind as I drove her to school, no idea of the tears that rolled down my face that I hid from her. She had total faith in me that I would get her to where she needed to go, on time, because that is my job. I actually value the trust she has in me and constantly reevaluate anything I feel I am doing wrong, trying to think of ways I could make her life easier, yet prepare her for the realities of the world.

As any parent, I look at both my children and want nothing but the best, even though there are moments I feel I have failed them. I can only strive to do better and that is my promise to them. I haven't been the best mom, but one day, they will see my heart. I just told them yesterday, (paraphrasing)"when you guys become parents, you will understand some of the things I do and say."

Will our kids ever experience the innocent thoughts we once experienced? Or will they grow up only to find that our generation was also full of lies, secrets and deception to 'protect' them?"

-5/29/14

Surviving Abuse One Day at a Time- This is a support group that I am currently a part of. This is my first time publicly saying that I am a victim of sexual abuse as a child. For 17 years I have never publicly spoken about this for a number of reasons; it's embarrassing, it's shameful, it's unbelievable as well as "overlooked." Not only does it affect my life, but those around me because I often find myself in uncontrollable depressions or outbursts that I cannot explain. There are many days my family, friends and counselor had to sit around and watch me self-deteriorate helplessly because of it. All the drinking, crying and sleepless nights I've had still didn't help it go away. It only created more problems for me. In fact, I've internally been on a mission to cover it up, as all of those involved have done over the years, I'm assuming because of the person it involved and his precedence within the community.

Being a part of this group has helped me open up a bit more, without judgement; we are all victims. It has also helped me remember things I have blocked from my memory by talking about it with people who have no involvement or agenda but to help me. I look at my children and get angry at the mere thought of them going through the hours of torture I had to endure that night. And for the record, let me just say, I would NEVER be here to even share my story had it involved my children. I'd be on 20/20, San Quentin: Lockup or Unsolved Mysteries somewhere. Better yet, Cold Case Files because you'd never know I even had a hand in murdering my children's molester.

So my point in sharing this today is to take even further steps in helping myself move forward without anger, because yes, I still have anger. I still deal with it on a regular, due to circumstances beyond my control. But how can I help myself if I am still covering up the transgressions of others?

There is always a point in your life when everybody says they would have been there for you when you needed help. But at the time you asked, they weren't . It always takes something drastic for folks to step up. Why is that?

-4/19/14

My Friends/Family- I do have some wonderful friends and family, I really do. But lately, it seems as if I've been at a distance with some of them. I don't know if it's me or them? I know I'm a homebody and I tend to isolate myself very well. In fact, I've mastered isolation, but even some of my closest friends and family have been the furthest from my reach. I don't fault them, instead, I examine myself to see if I have been a selfish friend? Whatever it is, I just want to get closure with some, and reconnect with others, cautiously.

"You have friends that will mess up and then you have friends that will clean up. It's up to you to find the ones that do both."

-4/16/14

What's On My Mind Today

These are all just random thoughts that would've normally gone in status updates on my Facebook Page or Twitter, but this is why I love my blog; just random rambling (with no apologies), like my personal journal:

1. Something is really wrong with my eyes. For the last few days I've been seeing double...............WITH MY GLASSES ON!!! My next appointment is not until October, and if I come in any earlier, there will be an $80 cover charge. Anyone want to drive me around until then?

2. Ava was supposed to come home this morning, but she's out at her dad's house going door to door to sell raffle tickets for her cheer-leading uniform. How cute. Oh, don't worry, I'll be asking you guys to buy raffle tickets next.

3. I've had experiences with online stalkers twice in my entire life. One is a woman, the other a man with an interest to betroth me. Every social network I sign up on, they tend to find me (I curse the synch button). From what I understand, the woman stalker is not only stalking me, but others as well...even worse than my encounters. She also has a restraining order out against her for showing up at one person's home by using one of those "find this person" networks that you pay for. Should I be scared? I wish a mofo would!!!

4. I am on the road to recovery. I start my physical therapy at the end of this month (from my ankle injury). Because of my injury, I now have back/hip pain and I still walk funny with my mean pimp walk. But hey, I'm just glad to be walking. In the words of Kayden Elijah Kinckle, "I got it. I got it!"

Here is the side by side x-ray of the day I broke my ankle and the most recent one in May. Not sure if you see it, but right below the "oops" in the left picture is where you'll see the broken bone.

In photo below is when I took my skate off and saw the damage. Yes, I was way too scared to take the sock off, in fear that I would panic when I saw how it was dangling. I never looked at my actual ankle....ever! I wore that sock all the way to the hospital and even let them bandage it without me looking at the "before." That helped me remain calm and not be so squirmish.

Currently June

Here is last month's blog, Currently May. I am enjoying doing these because it gives me a chance to reflect on what I've done over the last month....which sometimes may be nothing. *shrugs*

Listening To: Elle Varner's CD Perfectly Imperfect. I absolutely love that woman. I love her voice and she is beautiful. I hate that I missed the chance to see her live before. I can play this CD from front to back without skipping any song. It also reminds me of some good times I shared with a special someone that I will NEVER forget; some of the best moments of my life.

Watching: I finally watched Non-Stop with Liam Neeson. I will watch any movie that man has a role in. He is an incredible actor. Now if I can only watch Taken 2, then I'll be content.

Ava and I finished watching The Bible on Netflix. I love how inquisitive she is. This girl has some extraordinary faith and I LOVE IT! She always talks about how she can't wait until God shows her the miracles that he showed Moses and his people. Her faith encourages me.

Wanting: This kitchen table & chair set. I've only had mine for 2 years and already had to throw one chair away, while the others are not very sturdy. The kids and I don't even sit at the table anymore. It has now become a part of my decor for nothing.

Praying For: Jahi and her family. This story is heartbreaking and I've had my share of opinions about it. I've watched non-believers, lawyers, doctors and the media make doubting comments; although it's easy to say what we'd do in that situation, we all know that things would change when it really comes down to it. Jahi is making progress and I am hoping and praying she pulls through this...not only for her mom and family, but to prove that modern-day miracles DO HAPPEN! #FixItJesus #PrayForJahi

Loving: Being able to clean. Thank you, JESUS!!! My mobility hasn't been the greasted these last 3 months but I'm back in action now. I done switched Calen's room around and everything. Next is Ava's. I have to do it when she's not home so that I can throw things away that she hoards, but have clearly outgrown. And I <3 the smell of Pine-Sol.....aaahhhhhh!

Random: Yesterday I went on a scavenger hunt at Sac State for @HiddenCash (if any of you have ever heard of that?) Just some random wealthy man that plants money around town and tweets out clues. Hundreds of people show up, from all walks of life.....and I do mean ALL! So because it was local this time, I joined the search where 18 envelopes were planted around campus (all containing at least $100). I didn't find the money, but I did meet this lovely lady: Dina Kupfer from News 10. She was so pleasant and bubbly!

So what are you currently up to?