Brandy - Right Here (Departed)

Do you know how hard it is to ignore this? Statuses? Posts? Support?

To paint a smile on my face and act like I don't see it?

I'm right here.....and I see it all.

All I'm saying is I wish I received that public support that you so freely give to everyone else.

I'll never be ok with it.

And, in all honesty, it sucks that I have to run to my blog to express myself. But, I've already articulated myself well enough to you and it still seems to fall on deaf ears. Yet, you wonder why I feel so alone?

Actions speak louder than your private words to me.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

But let me go run along now. I have nachos to make for my daughter and a book to finish writing.

Regrouping

First, I would like to thank you all who reached out to me regarding my last blog. The support I received was tremendous and I wasn’t expecting that at all. I was so shocked to have so many people take a public stand with me on this situation. I also appreciate the texts, calls, emails, advice, etc…ALL OF IT! I appreciate those who shared their stories with me as well. I sure needed that. It assured me I wasn't alone.

Secondly, even though I lost some friends behind it; friends whom I thought were some of my closest allies, it really opened up my eyes to other relationships that were toxic and I had to make decisions to let them go for good. I will always be cordial with said people, even pray for them, nonetheless, I will no longer allow them to take up too much more of my time with uncertainties on where we stand.

Getting the courage to write that public letter was so freeing. I feel like I finally reached a point in my healing where there is no turning back. Having to no longer live in shame and humiliation of this secret overpowers all reservations I had and it allowed me to unapologetically be honest by admitting how I still struggle with it. I have accepted that there will be days I have breakdowns and triggers that I cannot control or haven't mastered, yet. Even the whole Brock Turner story was a trigger for me.

Finally, what I did learn with my most recent meltdown is that having these minor setbacks doesn’t mean I’ve regressed in my progress. I just have to learn to regroup and pick up where I left off when the time is right.

Forgiveness seems to be my biggest hurdle at the present moment. Not just with him, but with others. I know I have pained folks to no end with my episodic breakdowns and discussions of the situation. I’m sure it even got on some people’s nerves. Hell, I was even told that it seems that I want to stay in a place of pain so I can have reasons to be angry. That is so far from the truth. This doesn’t feel good and I don’t like being here; I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Today’s sermon referenced Luke 22:31 about how Satan’s desire is to have me so that he may ‘sift me as wheat’; meaning scrutinize me to the point of a back and forth struggle to keep me out of the will of God. A big portion of my life has been a back and forth with this issue. One day I feel I have forgiven, and other times I realize I haven’t. The preacher then begin to tell her own story of forgiveness with a particular person that took her over 15 years. When I say I heard every word spoken, I soaked it all in. It was right on time, too.

Before I go, I want to acknowledge a few of my friends who got me through last week when I was being so hard on myself thinking I had failed. Alma, Marlon and Danielle….thanks to the three of y’all for what you don’t even realize you did. You gave me optimism and confirmed that you will always have my back. I love y’all for that. Your friendship is unwavering.

Dear James

Dear James,

I don’t think I’ve ever addressed you, personally, to really talk about what “transpired that night” (your words, not mine). Those were the exact words you chose to use when you attempted to address me, secretly, while my sister and mother were a room away from us. You chose that exact, quiet moment to give your secret apology while we were left in that awkward moment, alone. You hoped that I’d forget about it and never mention it. They had no idea at the time that you were my abuser, how much it affected me, nor how uncomfortable I was being left alone in ANY room with you, let alone just being IN a room with you. These are moments that I remember “taking one for the team.” But, do believe, it wasn’t for you, it was for my family, the church, and the sake of keeping things peaceful while your dad was fighting for his life.

I will never forget that half-ass-whispered apology; it was offensive. It almost hurt me as much as the hours of torture you put me through that night when you thought I was sleeping. Matter of fact, I KNOW you knew I was awake that night. But, you didn’t even care to consider my feelings, or your wife’s feelings. Your wife - my sister - has been nothing but good to you and has been there for your sorry ass, at least in my eyes. And, you still chose to hurt her, as well as myself in the process of your selfish, devious, sexual fantasies of wanting to fuck an under-aged little girl. Let’s call it what it is, YOU ARE A PEDOPHILE! While I seek professional help & support groups, you should consider doing the same. After all, you are surrounded by many of "flock." I figured it wasn't a one-time thing when you made an inappropriate statement to a young-TEENAGED-GIRL that I introduced you to at one of our forced meet n greets.

No matter how angry I am with my sister at her at her lack of empathy regarding this uncomfortable situation that you’ve put us ALL in, (because as she prematurely said it before, “I didn’t think it was that serious?!?”) you were wrong to have treated her in a manner as such…..while she slept in the upstairs bedroom.

I trusted you. We trusted you. You were your dad’s son. How can you possibly come from a selfless man of great stature, yet, be so self-indulgent? I have to realize, you’re NOTHING like your dad. And, will never be. That would be an insult to compare you to him, as everyone has tried for years.

I’m not looking for an apology from you, especially at this point. I realized I’ll never get that apology...sincerely. I expect nothing from you, really, and my healing process doesn’t include you right now. I’m just going through the motions and proper steps to free myself from the guilt and shame of what you did to me. I hate the guilt that I carry when I feel like my story isn’t as bad as the other survivors, so I stay quiet, thinking I shouldn’t be taking it as hard as I am. Truth is, I will ALWAYS have MY STORY. At times I’m glad it wasn’t as brutal as others, then, other times I feel like you may as well tied me up and brutally raped me; my pain is still the same, and it's valid. And I intend to tell it until my last breath, with no intention in mind but to release. But, in order for me to move on to the next phase, I have to be honest with myself and express what it is that I actually feel I lost along the way, on my journey to adulthood, so here it goes:

MEMORIES:

I wanted to erase the memory of that night ever existing so bad to the point where I even denied it happening - to others and to myself. I did this for so many years and blocked it out so well that I actually lost good memories along the way. I have a block of memory loss for several years that you took from me and I hate it because I had wonderful, supportive friends & family but I wouldn’t allow them into that space to help me, when all I really needed was help.Yeah, YOU DID THAT!

HOLDING HANDS:

You have stolen affection from me. It pains me to even hold someone's hand or have skin to skin contact. All I can think about when someone’s hands touch me, is nothing but negative thoughts. To picture your nasty hands and dirty fingernails touching my body pains me to no end. To the point where I never want anyone to touch me ever again. Imagine how my kids feel when I can only hold their hands for short periods of time? Yeah, YOU DID THAT!

BEING TOUCHED:

The thought of being touched, specifically sexually, disgusts my very soul. I have failed relationships because of you. My future husband will have to tread lightly because of you. Yeah, YOU DID THAT, TOO!

AFFECTION:

I was always uncomfortable with affection. My family isn’t the big affectionate type. But now, the chances of that ever getting better are slim in my eyes. Yeah, YOU DID THAT, TOO!

FAMILY:

I feel like you actually stole my family from me. They all STILL love you, well, some of them. They STILL invite you over for dinners & family functions (that I choose to never attend again) But, they PUBLICLY SUPPORT YOU. I never got that from them. We all kept quiet, I guess for your and my sisters sake and embarrassment. Y’all all stand behind “the cloth” and think it is the “Christian thing to do.” All the while, little ole me sits behind the scenes and watch them support your “ministry” and stomp the yard for Jesus alongside of you, as if y’all represent the same Godliness, but I digress. What’s even worse, is that I have to allow my son to call you UNCLE. Do you know how hard that is for me? My flesh wants to spew out as many “Fuck you’s” as I can, but I’ve done that already. And it does nothing but leave me with swollen eyelids the next day. I’m tired of that. So you won that battle of me ever cussing you out. Lucky you. Yeah, YOU DID THAT, TOO!

I will end with this, though: I wrote this letter after reading Alma Bass’ letter to her abuser and it inspired me. I’ve never done this, and it happens to be therapeutic for me. I’m done hiding your name. I’m done hiding your identIty. I’m done “taking one for the team” and I'm certainly done taking one for the sake of family unity. Some may consider this exposure, but I consider it part of my closure.

Whatever it takes, I will get better, trust!

He Was In The Room

My outpatient surgery went well yesterday, praise God.
I spent the last two weeks crying & worrying enough about it so much that on the actual day of surgery, I was pretty calm. I didn’t really cry like I thought I would. The night before, my mom prayed over me (as I sobbed out of fear) and the morning of, my brother, Jr, sent me a prayer via text. After that, I was just chillin and counting down the hours.

I spent my morning writing in my kids’ journals, watching Wendy Williams and salivating at my mom’s meatballs and rice that sat in my fridge for later. Of course, our bodies crave what we can’t have. But once I got to the surgery center I was okay with what they had to do. It also helped a lot that Kindra was there keeping my mind off of the unknown as we sat and chatted in the waiting room. When they called my name, I 'chucked her the deuces' and strolled in the back like it was nothing. It kept me sane.

My cousin, Coco, made a joke to me the night before that I should do the cabbage patch down the long-dreaded hallway on the way to the surgery room. So as I was being wheeled down there with IV in arm, hospital gown on with my backside exposed and that fashionable, blue surgical cap, I giggled to myself as I pictured myself doing the cabbage patch while lying on that gurney. Trust, the visual was funny enough. Thanks for that, Coco!

The most awesome thing happened in the surgery room, though. Once I was prepped and the doctor put the oxygen mask on me and ‘upped the ante’ on my IV, I can remember praying to God for Him to take over from that point on (as if he hadn't already, I just didn’t realize it, yet). I actually remember the point where I felt woozy and I knew the very moment when I was losing control of all bodily functions. The last thing I mumbled under the oxygen mask was, “Lord, please take over. I trust you.”

And that is when it happened. I actually felt God’s presence in the room. Although I couldn’t see Him, I felt Him standing at the head of the bed, and I felt Him put his hands on my shoulders as I passed out. I remember thinking to myself (before I actually passed out), Wowwww, He really IS in this room! THAT IS HIM!!! It's like I silently heard Him there.
I knew He was there because I felt Him. I wanted to turn my head and look at Him, but I couldn't. I immediately was put at ease with the touch to my shoulders and went to sleep.

I have never denied God’s power. How could I? He deals with me sooo much, specifically in my dreams.

But I was at peace and knew I had nothing more to worry about.
That peace and comfort felt soooooo good! (And, NO, it wasn’t just the drugs….LOL).

But I felt it. I know I did.

God is so awesome and I don’t even deserve it.

Thank you all for your prayers and calls/texts.

I'm recovering well, thank you.

By Myself

I’ve listened to the song “Mary Did You Know?” the last two days via Facebook. For some reason, it made me cry both times. The second time it was uncontrollable crying like I had just gotten a whoopin.. The only problem is that I wasn’t sure why I was crying? Was it the lyrics? The harmony? My love for music? The amount of dranks I had?

Or who was singing it???

The words to the song got me all in my feelings. It talks about how great Mary’s Baby Boy is, and how Mary was carrying such a jewel; delivering a child that will soon deliver her and how the dead will live again. Never heard the song before, but it made me emotional and I began to think………….

I was once a jewel.

I was supposed to be great and do good.

It’s what I was created to do.

But, I don’t feel like it.

I go through these spouts, often.

I feel like I was robbed of my greatness. I really do. I’m reminded of it with each move that I make. Each sip that I take. Each family function that I attend. Each friend that I keep around that has ties with my offender...that I want no part in.

To watch someone sing such a beautiful song, in perfect melody, that ministered to my soul, mind you, that had so much meaning, with words so strong, with so much potential, in reverence of a baby boy that was to become great……..come from the mouth of someone who was the very cause of my life’s downward spiral; now, that hurt me even more.

I was once that baby girl with such potential.

I’m actually jealous, to be honest.

How could my molester move on so preponderantly?

And I still be so stagnant because of what he did to me?

He stole my potential, some of my talents, my innocence, and part of my personality and I just want them back.

I just want to feel normal again.

*************************

This morning, a good friend of mine sent me the song, “By Myself” by Alvin Garrett ft. Ruben Studdard.

I absolutely love it!

This song may as well be the theme song of my life right now. It's so encouraging and very immediate to the situations in my life. I've been cutting people off left & right for personal reasons. I’ve ceased contact with so many people & most of my family that sometimes I stop myself to ponder if I AM THE PROBLEM? But, uhhhhh, NO.

That is not always the case.
And I have to get out of that way of thinking.

I don’t necessarily have a “victory story,” just yet, but the fact that I am still standing is victory enough in itself. It’s just up to me to realize it. And this song is my walking, active testimony in progress.

Trust, that when I get to the that “safe” place, I’m going to sing this song like a Southern Baptist Hymn (In my alto voice).

Through all of this I have had some very solid friends. But, one very specific person whom I don’t give enough credit to is my son’s father, Jon. He has known me since I was 5 years old.

This man knows me like no other. He may have just bared every mood swing written in the book of feminism.

I’ve cussed him out, called him all kinds of names at times, and even disagreed with him on 99% of things…..lol. But what I can say is I know exactly when to call him. My life can be in disarray, or my childhood sometimes comes back up to haunt me, but I can call him and do the “silent cry” while he just listens.

Now, whether or not he hangs up on me and blame it on his battery dying, I will never know? But at least I get it off my chest for the time being. lol.

We were best friends more than half our lives. He's stuck with me, now. And it’s unfortunate that it was his own brother that caused my downward spiral in life (in my opinion). However, I have never forced him to make a choice between the two of us, nevertheless, he stuck by my side through all of my tantrums, unbiased to his relation to my molester. He has been in my corner all these years. So this is a public thank you to my friend, Jon.

He sent me this song this morning and I’ve had it on repeat.

My current theme song.

That Smile

Y'all see this smile??????????

My baby is overjoyed to receive her very first PRINCIPAL'S AWARD!!!!!!

This is 2 of the 3 awards she received today and I couldn't be any more proud!

(Even though she scolded ME for not getting the perfect attendance award, too....uhmmm....that’s another blog, lol).

But, this specific school year I have seen major improvements in her attitude towards school. Not that she was bad or failing before, but she is ENJOYING school more.

She was soooo bored with school because it was "beneath her level" or she would always finish her assignments before everyone else, so her down time wouldn’t always be used wisely. She got bored waiting on everyone else. (Disclaimer: I mean that in no disrespect to anyone else's child).

Ava even enjoys reading more than before. She can never put her books down whether we’re at home, in the car, in her bed...etc.

She becomes so excited about a book that she tells the entire story, if I allow her. I have to remind her to be mindful of those who have not read it and warn her not to ruin it. Everyone doesn’t like spoilers (I do, btw).

My baby is becoming a BOOK WORM & ENJOYING IT and I love it.

She went from fussing at me about being boring for curling up on a couch and reading a book and now she’s doing the exact thing. She even called me weird for reading a book from my Kindle App on my phone while we waited outside of Calen’s school to pick him up.

She's taking after her Mommy & Big Brother.

LOVE IT!

 

Eat the Meat and Throw Away the Bones

We all would like to think that we’re pretty private.
But let’s be real, most of the things we choose to keep “private” ends up going from one ear to the next.

I’ve always been an open book and plan to remain that way. Some days I feel like I’m holding out when I write, and other days I feel like I’m telling too much.

My mind is a mystical playground, literally.

I say all of that to say this: I’ve been pretty private about some health issues that I’m having. I’ve talked to a few select friends about it and of course my Mom. I've been keeping them updated about different tests I’ve been taking over the last couple months and what’s been going on.

But here I am at the crossroads and I am facing a “minor” outpatient surgery in a couple weeks.

For some reason, I am beyond nervous about it. Like soooooo nervous that I can’t even explain to the people I confide in. I don’t want to worry them. I even joke about it.

I think I’ve been trying to take it lightly because I’m beginning to become a little more paranoid and a little “hypochondriac-ish”. But I know my body and feel that something isn't right.

I want to believe that it’s a “minor” surgery and that just like my last one, I will be ok.

But, I have to be honest with myself……..I’M SCARED SHITLESS!!! I don’t know why???

Even when I’m only getting wisdom teeth pulled, I’M SCARED.

My brain has never been able to comprehend the fact that there are drugs that will put you to sleep and someone can cut & drill on you and you feel NO PAIN (at least until you wake up)…….I just can’t wrap my head around that.

It’s as if the person being operated on is DEAD.

I don’t get it?!?!

So, of course I go into any “minor” (as they like to call it) outpatient surgery/procedure nervous as hell. I’m just tired of feeling helpless right now. I have to depend on people to drive me & my kids around and do things for me ALLLLL OVERRRRR AGAIINNNNNN??? I've been through this twice before and my parents really came through. Second time, my cousin did it for me.
I'm talking about even taking the kids to school everyday because I couldn't drive.

I’m so over it.

*SIGH*

Anyway, after this surgery on December 29th (unrelated to the ankle issue), I have to have another one, AGAIN, in April (to remove the screws from my ankles).

I have to be honest with myself and admit I’m overwhelmed with all of the medical issues I’ve been having. It’s like hitting me all at once with the “domino effect.”

Lately, I’ve always felt my body feels older than its actual age. I’m only 33 and dealing with too many things at once.

I thought I had wayyy more time to still feel young? 33 is NOT old.

But, my body is saying otherwise, at least in my case.

I will never be the same.

And, yes, I expected to.

I expected my 30’s to be nothing but fun years?

I live with guilt that it’s not. My children react in extreme shock when they see me active, or even doing something as simple as bending down on the floor on my knees (like when we moved our furniture around last night). My memory, my body and my joints work with me when they want to and I’m reduced to a DAILY pill box. I thought those boxes were only for old people?

I’m not getting that old, or my body is not shutting down that much……….

Is it?

That is what I really want to know, within myself.

With all of my recent health problems, surgeries, and tests to rule out certain things, I think my brain has shut down before my body actually has.

*********************************************************************************

>>>>> Here’s the point in this blog where I stared at the screen, writing sentence after sentence, only to erase it. I started off wanting to be transparent and more truthful, but questioned myself on how much of my personal business I wanted to tell.<<<<<<<<<<

So, I will end with this (I think it’s been time to end), I just hope that through my privacy, yet, openness, that I am learning valuable lessons and “eating the meat and throwing away the bone.”

***Blog inspired by just coming from the lab getting poked on to the point of puncture wounds***