Determined at Any Cost...

          Today marks the last day of my official vacation from school; I go back to school this following Tuesday. I must admit my last semester has been the worst thorn in my side. I’ve been working toward this degree for quite some time now and during the end of the race, I began to become exhausted. After many letdowns, I learned to set short term goals for myself rather than look at the end picture. But even that can be challenging sometimes. Of course I’ve veered off course, or lost my momentum. However, I learned to set smaller goals rather than to put pressure on myself with challenging goals that I can hardly maintain. During my last semester, I packed on any class that was available to me during my last few semesters at the Jr. College just so I could be closer to my goals. That was ultimately my downfall. Although I felt that I had finally conquered the ability to work hard, and although I was so determined, I had lost myself during the process.

          Here I was in my last two semesters before my transfer to Sac State and I had taken on more than I could handle. I signed up for 6 classes; English, Anthropology, Science, two Geography classes and Math which ultimately became the bane of my existence. I had never been so stressed out in my life. I suffered sleep deprivation, hair loss and I neglected my kids’ education and their progress began to plummet as well as mine. I also neglected myself and my daily necessities to keep me sane. I had no extra time or “free time” as they call it. I dedicated every free moment and "off day" to homework. Those four months had me on the brinks of a many nervous breakdowns. There were nights where I literally cried myself into a sleep because of how stressed I was. I didn’t talk to many folks about it (even my Sister Wives) because I already felt like a bother to myself, let alone the thought of trying to explain to anyone. I didn't think anyone understood me. My brother “Jr” was my dose of daily sanity to get me through many of those days where I thought I was losing my mind.

Ultimately, he was the one to help me through that depression. He somehow understood my silent tears and frustrations. He listened through my sobs and felt the pain in my heart. He helped me realize that my determination didn’t mean anything based on the sacrifices that I had made to get there. I was losing myself as well as the relationships with my children. I came to the realization that it wasn’t worth it and I would never do it again.

          So I sat here today reflecting on the last day of my “two-month vacation” from school (where I regained my sanity) and was wondering what to do with my last day? Should I sleep in like I’ve done all the other days? Lie in bed all day and watch Lifetime while the kids are at school? Go do something fun that I haven’t been able to do in a long time due to homework and stress? Afterall, I hadn’t been to the movies in such a long time, even that will count as my “fun time.” Well, I sat up this morning thinking of all the things I needed to do to my house while “I was on the run.” Ever morning as I leave for work or school, I always look around my house and say to myself, I will do that on my next day off! Or If I had another day off I could get so much done. I could do this or do that! But each day off, I forced myself to relax and be lazy rather than wreck my brain with more on my "to do" list.

          This process has helped me realize that no matter how many days I had off, I would still put something off until the last minute just because I had so many more days to do it!!! Lol. Relax while you can. So I am proud to say that at least for TODAY…..I proved myself wrong! Haha. After I dropped the kids off to school, I made me a nice, big juicy steak for breakfast, I cleaned corners that I’ve been ignoring for months, I rearranged furniture in my house to give me that new “homey” feel, and I arranged my backpack as I prepare my mind for my last semester at American River College where I will graduate in May with my Associates in Language Studies  and then transfer to Sacramento State University where I will pursue my bachelors in Journalism and Mass Communication with a minor in Deaf Studies. I’m actually excited and through this entire experience, I’ve learned to take it slow and take on only what I can handle. I underestimate myself a lot but at the same time, I don’t regret having goals. What I do regret is pushing myself to that limit. I was a mess yall. I will never do that to myself again. I had a lot of people in my corner and rooting for me but at the same time I couldn’t accept anything less than great. Why in the world would I put that much pressure on myself like that? Hindsight, it was not worth the agony I went through silently. So I will say this, I am ready for next semester, and it is a load that I can handle. And I really look forward to my graduation in May. Although it’s only the halfway mark, it is exactly what I need…..that pat on the back to let me know that if I made it this far, I can keep on going! A big thank you to my family and friends that were there to keep pushing me and listening to my complaining along the way. Trust me, it doesn't go unnoticed. Special shot out to my brother "Jr." Not sure if I would have made it through those days without you. I will be sure to thank you all when I "make it big!" = )

Pay It Forward Gone "Wrong"

 Ever since I watched the movie Pay It Forward with Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osment it has changed my perspective. I really believe in the whole "pay it forward" concept, I really do. Pay It Forward is basically a movie about a little boy who does a good deed for a stranger, then tells them to "pay it forward" to the next stranger. Soon enough, everyone starts to catch on the the concept and the world becomes a better place.
Well, several months ago, a total stranger decided to pay it forward and paid for my breakfast in the drive thru one morning. I thought it was the sweetest thing. It really made me feel good for her to do that out of the kindness of her heart. I thanked the Lord for my blessing and vowed that I would pay it forward to the next person when I got a chance. Tonight, I did so. I didn't have much money but I decided to pay it forward to the gentleman behind me in the drive thru anyway. After all, he was also very courteous to let me go ahead of him when he clearly got there first.
So I pay for the young man's food and told the worker to tell him, "Happy New Year and to pay it forward." I drove off feeling real good about being able to bless someone else, even though I really didn't have the money to. (The whole point was to make a sacrifice.) So after I leave, I notice in my rear view mirror the young man catches up to me on the road and ends up directly behind me. I thought maybe he wanted to at least say thank you or something. I was flattered but didn't think it was necessary. So as I'm en route to my home I noticed he was still behind me. In my head I'm thinking hurry up and say thank you and go on now! Get! But he never pulled to the side of me, even at the read light. Now I'm getting nervous as I turn into the neighborhood away from the busy street and he turns behind me as well. So many things are going through my head like do I not turn down my street so he doesn't know where I live? Do I drive back to the main street? What if this man is crazy or something? I mean, it is New Years Day at 2am!!!
I was really nervous and worried that my "pay it forward" deed just wasn't the right time. So I turn on my street and BOOM!!!......so does he!!! Uh oh.......?!?
My house is coming up and I'm still debating do I turn in there or keep driving? So now I'm praying hoping that he really isn't following me and maybe just happen to take the same turns as I did. I'm also thinking in my head that maybe I'm trippin and it's nothing! I really need to stop watching Lifetime. Only way I could find out that he wasn't following me was to turn into my apartments. So I say a prayer and pull into the drive way but don't park. I wanted it to look like I was picking someone up or something. I pulled in and kept my lights on and engine running as I sat and waited for his car to pass my house rather than turn into the same driveway. Those 15 seconds seemed like forever just like a movie scene where the scary part starts before the killer chases the lady into the woods and chops her body up!!! **Cue the scary music**

Turns out, the guy really just happened to be going in the same direction because he kept going. I still sat in the car for another 15-30 seconds to make sure he didn't make a u-turn to see what apartment I was walking into!
Now, I don't mean to discourage anyone from paying it forward because of my paranoid self, but I will definitely say I will not be paying it forward at 2am when I'm in the car alone anymore! lol

I Miss You, BFF!

Today was a real chill day for me. Went to church and heard some good Word that spoke to my soul. It made me reflect not only on my life but some friendships and my immediate circle as well. This evening I sat at home like any other normal Sunday and went to watch Lifetime but couldn’t find a good movie to watch. I guess I’ve watched them all.

Anywho, so I sat here and listened to Pandora; B2K’s station to be exact. I love this station because they play all the music that I used to love from the early 2000’s. If anyone knows me, they know those where my years. I was very “free spirited,” vivacious, good-natured…etc. Hell, that’s how I got the name Pooquisha. I ain’t even gonna lie; I was off the hook at times…even life of the party….lol.

Anyway, they got to playing some songs that made me reminisce on old friendships and reminded of actual moments when I used to be riding (or doing God knows what) when I heard the song, but each one brought up different memories. And the main person in each of those memories was my BFF. She was there with me through majority of those moments. She was my ride or die chick, don’t ask don’t tell type of chick that was down for whatever. My very confidant when no one else understood me. That girl was and still is my heart. Some reason she been on my mind heavy today.

So now here I am sitting here reflecting on my relationship with her, realizing that I have not talked to her in almost a year because of a silly argument her and I had. I’ve known this girl 14+ years and this one disagreement got us not speaking for this long. However, I do believe that our “separation” was very much needed at the time. We mutually agreed that we would “take a break” and come back around later when the time was right. (yeah, I know….this sounds like a relationship….lol). Things happen in friendships and sometimes two people can be on different paths that cause them to grow apart. The good thing about our friendship is that no matter how long we stay apart, we can always pick up where we left off as if no time has lapsed. I think what I’m fearing now is when will we pick up….if ever? This disagreement wasn’t like any other one that we’ve ever had. I will be honest and admit that I said some things that I shouldn’t have said that hurt her. Regardless of how she made me feel, some of those things shouldn’t have ever come out of my mouth. Looking back, I can see why it’s been so long since we’ve “made up.” All these years, she has been the only person that has known my deepest and darkest faults and vice versa. But we have never been judgmental toward each other nor attacked each other’s characters.  Regardless of who attacked who first, some things shouldn’t have been said. Nonetheless, Is apologized during the same conversation and we decided that we needed some time apart we agreed that we would come back around when we were both in good spaces and would pick up where we left off. It’s been a while now and I humbly sit here and say to myself that I was wrong and I miss my BFF….I just hope she feels the same.

I’m writing to say this, as I listen to all of these songs, each bringing up unrelated memories of our untamed, uncultivated yet exhilarating journey together, I realize that I miss her more now than ever. I just hope she feels the same. I haven’t reached out to her because I don’t have any contact with her but I’m wondering that if and when I do, if she will be as receptive as I am available?

Angry

Angry

 

I’m angry……..

I’m angry because of what you said

I’m angry because of what you did

The insensible feelings that I deal

I’m even angry that you live

I’m angry you are not here

You’re thousands of miles away it seems

I’m angry that when you think you’re walking straight

You still walk with that gangsta lean

I’m angry that you’re phony

Angry I even trusted you

I’m angry that I even let you in

That you knew the things you knew

I’m angry that you’re still a looser

You fool everyone but me

I’m angry that even when I’m doing good

It’s only the bad that they see

I’m angry that YOU have issues

And make it all about you

I’m angry that you still stick around

Because not everybody knows the truth

I’m angry that I’m misunderstood

I’m  angry you don’t care

I’m angry that you’re acting like

You were always there

I’m angry that you’re insensitive

I’m just angry…..

Wait, did I mention that I was angry?

Birth Control (A Blog for the Ladies)

So I used to consider myself the poster child for the IUD Mirena. It had worked for me all these years and I tried to convince anyone inquiring new methods to get the Mirena as well. I had a live in boyfriend at the time and not only had it prevented any unwanted pregnancies, but the best part for me was that I didn't have periods either. I had a little spotting here and there but nothing too major that panty liners couldn't handle. I was loving the Mirena and thought it was just the best thing ever. I had never had any problems with it, other than accidentally snatching it out a few years ago and having to have a new one inserted @_@. Other than that, it was perfect for me. So I thought.

So here I was into my 5^th year of the Mirena (6 months shy of having it swapped out for a new one) and my doctor suggested that I have it removed because the hormones was starting to mess with my body as well as cause all kinds of damage to my hair. She said sometimes it can take this long for your body to finally reject any hormones or birth control so she suggested that I remove it. As for me, I figured Okay, why not? Live in boyfriend is gone, I’m not active anyway, so lets go for it. I wanted to do a process of elimination and eliminate all the unnecessary hormones altogether. I mean, afterall, I had nothing to worry about being celibate and all right?

So I made the appointment to have it taken out and let me tell you, IMMEDIATELY after it was removed and the doctor left the room, I felt like crying. I felt so vulnerable like a part of me had just been snatched out. I kept staring down at the Mirena laying on the tray like something so valuable had been snatched right out of me in such a split second. 

It felt like I had bonded with that “security” for almost 5 years and to have it removed so abruptly kept messing with my mental. I felt like the very wind outside could get me pregnant and I didn’t like that feeling of vulnerability. Who knew something so small could have such a big impact in my life like that? I didn’t realize how much I actually depended on it. And mann, my cycle didn’t waste any time either. In less than 48 hours it came back full fledge and I was not prepared.
Of course what I’ll miss most is not having periods but hey, I figured it’s about time to let my body “detox” and go “natural.” So we’ll see how this goes.

I’m curious to hear your birth control stories……
Please share if you have any.

I happen to stroll across this IUD horror story and thought I'd share this one too. Read at your leisure.

http://thechanceys505.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-mirena-story-cautionary-tale.html

A Bitter Soul

I have dabbled in poetry a little bit and I stumbled across this poem that I had written back in 2008.

A Bitter Soul

May 20, 2008

Having multiple dreams and opportunities

Snatched from beyond her reach

So abruptly without a warning sign

Not even a lesson left to teach

Going through her daily routines

Still nothing could keep her occupied

So many things raced through her mind

So many things she have endured, yet survived

 Is it possible to save a bitter soul?
A woman who was scorned so deep?

A woman who has done no wrong?

A woman with a heart so meek?

 Pain pierced her heart so deep

Feeling of loneliness so robust

Not having any support around her

But keeping her head up was a must

They say what doesn't break you

Is only to make you stronger

The damage was so shameful

Too hard to hold her head up any longer

“He hurt me and I can’t move on”

To others sounds like a cliché

Sounds like statements of a bitter woman

But it was something she lived everyday

The anger, frustration and grief

The disappointments and disgust for life

All the nervous breakdowns she had

She reminisced as she held the knife

Ending her life would be senseless

Nothing from it she would gain

Still she forced the knife through her chest

She felt the blood eject with great pain

She lay in her puddle of dismay

With her life flashing while she ached

Watching life abandon her body with regret
But by now it was definitely too late

Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety disorder is a psychological condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (like a father, mother, grandparents, and brothers or sisters).

I am convinced that I have this. Let me tell you why. Most people are happy to get a break from their kids. Normally I used to make sure that I had my weekends free so that I can make plans or just be free. Well ever since everything that happened in my life lately, all of that have changed. I am way more clingy to my kids than ever before. All this time I thought it was just Ava being clingy to me but it goes both ways. Everytime they leave me, I'm sad, bored, don't know what to do with myself. And not a normal kind of sad where I have a moment of awhhh I miss the kids. But its to the point now where I'm crying when they're gone. On top of that, I be texting Ava's dad requesting pictures throughout the day just to see her face, or to see what she's doing, or just to see what she looks like. It's sad but true. (imagine when they get their own cell phones).

The other night I was at a family gathering just chilling and enjoying the company of my family. My kids weren't there. Once everybody started getting ready to go, that's when I realized I had to go home by myself. Now don't get me wrong here, I LOVE being alone and love living alone. But when I say alone, I mean alone with my kids. I don't know how I'm ever going to get a husband if I don't even want to share my space with anyone. But anyway, I knew I had to go home alone. I asked my niece if she wanted to stay the night at my house. When my sister asked me, "Where are the kids?" that's when I lost it and started crying. I was trying to hold it in as long as I could but my emotions became overwhelming and I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sunday morning when I went to church without them their little empty seats next to me just made me sad. When I pulled out my notebook to take notes, I thought of Ava sitting next to me asking me could she draw in my notebook. I missed looking over at Calen with his arms folded and him falling asleep. I even felt weird sitting there by myself. I just don't feel the same.

The anxiety of not going home to my kids gets to me. Its like when I'm away from them I'm not the same. Its to the point where I don't even want to send them to their dad house. I find myself asking why do I have to share them anyway? I did notice the pattern though, its mainly bedtime when it bothers me the most that they aren't with me. But when they're gone I think of them all throughout the day wondering what they're doing. If I could just take them both and run far far away and live happily ever after then I would.

Am I crazy?