Determined at Any Cost...

          Today marks the last day of my official vacation from school; I go back to school this following Tuesday. I must admit my last semester has been the worst thorn in my side. I’ve been working toward this degree for quite some time now and during the end of the race, I began to become exhausted. After many letdowns, I learned to set short term goals for myself rather than look at the end picture. But even that can be challenging sometimes. Of course I’ve veered off course, or lost my momentum. However, I learned to set smaller goals rather than to put pressure on myself with challenging goals that I can hardly maintain. During my last semester, I packed on any class that was available to me during my last few semesters at the Jr. College just so I could be closer to my goals. That was ultimately my downfall. Although I felt that I had finally conquered the ability to work hard, and although I was so determined, I had lost myself during the process.

          Here I was in my last two semesters before my transfer to Sac State and I had taken on more than I could handle. I signed up for 6 classes; English, Anthropology, Science, two Geography classes and Math which ultimately became the bane of my existence. I had never been so stressed out in my life. I suffered sleep deprivation, hair loss and I neglected my kids’ education and their progress began to plummet as well as mine. I also neglected myself and my daily necessities to keep me sane. I had no extra time or “free time” as they call it. I dedicated every free moment and "off day" to homework. Those four months had me on the brinks of a many nervous breakdowns. There were nights where I literally cried myself into a sleep because of how stressed I was. I didn’t talk to many folks about it (even my Sister Wives) because I already felt like a bother to myself, let alone the thought of trying to explain to anyone. I didn't think anyone understood me. My brother “Jr” was my dose of daily sanity to get me through many of those days where I thought I was losing my mind.

Ultimately, he was the one to help me through that depression. He somehow understood my silent tears and frustrations. He listened through my sobs and felt the pain in my heart. He helped me realize that my determination didn’t mean anything based on the sacrifices that I had made to get there. I was losing myself as well as the relationships with my children. I came to the realization that it wasn’t worth it and I would never do it again.

          So I sat here today reflecting on the last day of my “two-month vacation” from school (where I regained my sanity) and was wondering what to do with my last day? Should I sleep in like I’ve done all the other days? Lie in bed all day and watch Lifetime while the kids are at school? Go do something fun that I haven’t been able to do in a long time due to homework and stress? Afterall, I hadn’t been to the movies in such a long time, even that will count as my “fun time.” Well, I sat up this morning thinking of all the things I needed to do to my house while “I was on the run.” Ever morning as I leave for work or school, I always look around my house and say to myself, I will do that on my next day off! Or If I had another day off I could get so much done. I could do this or do that! But each day off, I forced myself to relax and be lazy rather than wreck my brain with more on my "to do" list.

          This process has helped me realize that no matter how many days I had off, I would still put something off until the last minute just because I had so many more days to do it!!! Lol. Relax while you can. So I am proud to say that at least for TODAY…..I proved myself wrong! Haha. After I dropped the kids off to school, I made me a nice, big juicy steak for breakfast, I cleaned corners that I’ve been ignoring for months, I rearranged furniture in my house to give me that new “homey” feel, and I arranged my backpack as I prepare my mind for my last semester at American River College where I will graduate in May with my Associates in Language Studies  and then transfer to Sacramento State University where I will pursue my bachelors in Journalism and Mass Communication with a minor in Deaf Studies. I’m actually excited and through this entire experience, I’ve learned to take it slow and take on only what I can handle. I underestimate myself a lot but at the same time, I don’t regret having goals. What I do regret is pushing myself to that limit. I was a mess yall. I will never do that to myself again. I had a lot of people in my corner and rooting for me but at the same time I couldn’t accept anything less than great. Why in the world would I put that much pressure on myself like that? Hindsight, it was not worth the agony I went through silently. So I will say this, I am ready for next semester, and it is a load that I can handle. And I really look forward to my graduation in May. Although it’s only the halfway mark, it is exactly what I need…..that pat on the back to let me know that if I made it this far, I can keep on going! A big thank you to my family and friends that were there to keep pushing me and listening to my complaining along the way. Trust me, it doesn't go unnoticed. Special shot out to my brother "Jr." Not sure if I would have made it through those days without you. I will be sure to thank you all when I "make it big!" = )